Oh, boys. What a charming and adorable species they are. For the most part, they’re functioning members of society (giving them the benefit of the doubt here). They work hard at their jobs, exercise on occasion, and usually manage to leave the house with a shirt on. For all of those reasons, we applaud them. The only problem is that once these mammals come in contact with a pretty girl, they lose all functioning brain capacity. I don’t know if it’s a chemical, intellectual, or social problem, but they mess up. Big time. For some reason, they think that tired pickup lines such as, “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” “Hey babe. Come here often?” or the ever popular, “So…wanna fuck?” will work. Yeah. It’s embarrassing for all of us.
So, I’ve decided to take pity on them and compile a fews lines that would literally work on any girl. The better the boys are at getting dates, the closer we are to locking down a guy with a solid 401(k). Then, finally, we can discover the true meaning of love: financial stability.
- “Do you want to get Taco Bell?”
Yes. Do you want to marry me?
- “I don’t have Snapchat.”
So you mean you don’t have mysterious girls as your best friends? *swoon*
- “I’m pre-med.”
And I’m wet.
- “I’m not really a Kate Upton fan.”
And I’m not really obsessed with you. JK, I am.
- “I think shaving your legs is a waste of time. You’re still great with stubble.”
So, do we bang now or later?
- “My ex-girlfriend moved to Africa.”
Like with the little birdies and the little monkeys? I officially love her.
- “Butt stuff isn’t really for me.”
And not being in love with you isn’t really for me.
- “Would it be okay if I just played with your hair all night?”
I’ve been waiting my entire life for some to ask me that.
- “Why is your drink empty? Let me fix that.”
Why is your face not attached to mine?
- “We need to pour some ranch on this pizza.”
Ugh, I love it when you talk dirty to me.
- “Sure, I’ll trim my beard to the perfect, scruffy, sexy look.”
I’ll make your beard hair the happiest beard hair in all the land.
- “My mom is dying to have a daughter-in-law.”
Finally, a mom who won’t hate me for stealing her son’s love. And dignity.
- “I don’t like blow jobs.”
I don’t like the idea of ever saying goodbye to you.
- “I’d love to share my Netflix password with you.”
And I’d love to share the rest of my life with you.
- “Wanna take a picture to make all the girls you hate jealous?”
It’s like you can see inside my soul.
- “If you’re a vegetarian, I’m a vegetarian.”
But seriously, I’ll eat your man meat with a pickup line like that.
- “Tell me more about your annoying roommate.”
I’ll have loud, passive-aggressive sex with you in our shared shower any day.
- “I think natural beauty is the best.”
BRB, breaking up with Sephora.
- “My dream girl has a Pinterest wedding board.”
Can you be my something new? I’ll make sure you’re never blue (balled).
- “Did you see New Girl last night?”
Did you see me drool right now?
- “You’re the perfect weight. Seriously. Here, have a cookie.”
Wow, can I take a bite out of you? After the cookie. So, the cookie, then you. Then more cookie.
- “Guys’ nights are lame, I’d rather hang out with you and watch Gossip Girl reruns.”
I know I love you. XOXO.
- I’d have a man bun for you.
And I have a lady boner for you, sir.
- “Your ex-boyfriend is here? Let’s make out to make him jealous.”
Who are you and where have you been all of my life?
- “I’d only want to have a threesome if there could be two of you.”
Still kind of weird, but, like, I’ll take it.
- “Wanna do brunch?”
- “My dad, the inventor of Toaster Strudel…”
Is my future father-in-law? Sold.
- “It’s okay, Subaru commercials make me cry, too.”
It’s just…the dogs, you know?
- “I want to marry a trophy wife.”
What a coincidence, I want to be a trophy wife.
- “Should I check us in on Facebook?”
Should I make us FBO now or…?
- “I like your friends to the extent that I’ll hang out with them, but I won’t make you feel threatened.”
If you wanna be my lover, you have to be cordial but not overly friendly with my friends.
- “You could totally wear a crop-top without feeling self-conscious.”
Lies. Buuuuut, I appreciate the effort.
- “I deleted every girl on Facebook. And in my phone. And on Instagram.”
And I am officially turned on.
- “Can we talk about your childhood pet?”
Only if you lie in the fetal position with me.
- “I have a credit card just waiting for your name.”
And I have a monogram just waiting for your last initial.
- “Let’s get guac.”
And they lived happily ever after..