Reasons He’s Not Texting You

Reasons He's Not Texting You Back

It’s been six hours since you last texted him and he hasn’t responded…yet. The key word here is “yet.” There are plenty of reasonable explanations as to why he hasn’t texted you. Here are the most common ones. Keep reading, you’ll feel better in no time!

  1. Maybe he’s one of those people (read: film nerd) who actually turns off his phone in movies. Okay, okay. It’s been six hours, but he probably watched a double feature because movies are so expensive now he would be STUPID to watch just one at a time.
  2. He rubbed his eyes with chili pepper when he was trying to cook a dinner for you last night (It was going to be a surprise!) which caused him to go blind. He didn’t text you back because he can’t read text messages.
  3. He fell into a river and drowned. Or he’s in a coma. Or he’s dead. He’s probably dead.
  4. He is in Africa attempting to reaffirm gender equality by giving women choices in contraception and empowering the youth with education. He’s in a remote location, and even having water is a struggle–let alone cell service. He didn’t get a chance to tell you because his passion for women’s rights paralyzed his ability to text.
  5. He likes you so much that he’s afraid he will scare you away with his emotions in a text.
  6. He’s asleep. I mean, yeah, it’s midday, but he might have one of those rare sleeping disorders that causes him to fall asleep at unconventional times. Take a nap! Maybe he’ll have texted you when you wake up. It will be like Christmas morning, and who doesn’t love Christmas?
  7. He sent you a handwritten letter instead of a text, because he is a thoughtful gentleman. Go check your mail–his note probably has details of the house he wants to build for you, and it probably ends with, “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” OMG, don’t you just want to Instagram that? Go get it, girl.
  8. He took a trip to space on the Virgin Galactic (because he has a lot of money) and is among the cosmos. There are some parts of my hometown that don’t get good service, so I can’t imagine how shotty the service is in space. Even if you ditch iMessage and send via text, I doubt it’ll go through. Oh, and if you’re wondering why he didn’t take you on this trip, it’s obviously because he’s just scoping to make sure space travel is safe for his little honey bear sugar pie (that’s you).
  9. A street performer juggling knives accidentally cut off your man’s fingers when he tried to drop some money into the hat, because he’s a generous, kindhearted person. He can’t text you back because he doesn’t have fingers.
  10. He just found out some tragic news, like his entire family was killed in an armed robbery, and he has to man up and handle his affairs. He would tell you this in a text, but his family is affiliated with the mob and he doesn’t want to put you in danger.
  11. This was all a dream and it never actually happened.
  12. He’s running a marathon–how do you think he keeps his bod so tight? He has run dozens of them before, so he didn’t think it was worth mentioning it to you. He’s so modest and dreamy…
  13. He fell back in love with his ex. JUST KIDDING. You are so much better than she is. But she did hack into his iPhone because she is a psycho bitch. She blocked you from his contacts, so he has no way of contacting you.
  14. Making up these scenarios is exhausting. I’m over him. You are, too. As Jay-Z says, “Ya got a million ways to get it.”

Image via We Love Dates

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Caring too much about not caring, fuck, I'm blackout. Follow Mel and Teresa at @melowens and @leresatee.

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