I’m not one to follow a ton of comedians on Twitter. Sure, they’re usually pretty funny and good for the occasional laugh. On the other hand, so many of those accounts clog up my Twitter feed with their insufferable, not-so-subtle liberal agenda jokes that make me feel dirty for laughing. Clicking “unfollow” is basically like reaffirming my love for America.
Recently, I decided to make an exception for @nachosarah, a.k.a Sarah Beattie. Who is she? I actually have no idea, because even my world-renowned Google creeping talent didn’t uncover much. It doesn’t matter, because she is really fucking funny. She pulls off being absurdly inappropriate in a way that even a self-respecting sorority girl can appreciate. If a guy was saying it, I might be uncomfortable. Since she has a vagina, I’ll give her a free pass. Thanks girl, for saying things that I have definitely thought, but not exactly in your Pulitzer worthy prose. Yes, I’ve always been creeped out by “heterosexual” males who are “just not that into sports” (see also: gay). No, I’ve never considered calling a blowjob a “blowfun,” but for you, @nachosarah, I will consider it. I’d like to think that this is what my Twitter would sound like if I had no morals, no shame, and lacked that crucial second grade grammar lesson on punctuation. Enjoy, but if you don’t, you probably have unrealistic expectations for the rest of your life.
hey girls don’t worry about what to get tattooed on your lower back it will still say “my parents are divorced”
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 9, 2012
hey straight guys who don’t like sports do you shovel a path to your car every day or do you just let all that pussy pile up
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 13, 2012
I want my halloween costume to be super scary so I’m dressing up like your ex-girlfriend I love you
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) October 16, 2012
penis size isn’t as important to me as is a guy’s reaction to a bee
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) July 21, 2012
use birth control ladies because no child is worth not drinking for 9 months
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 13, 2012
a spider dropped down on me this morning and I was just really excited that someone else was in bed with me
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) June 24, 2012
if you ever want to piss off a white person find a way to discontinue an item at trader joes
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) July 12, 2012
when I see a girl spend 50 bucks at a nail salon I’m like why am I standing in a nail salon staring at people
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) June 26, 2012
some people are scared of clowns but I’m scared of women who are super into horses
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 12, 2012
Author note: I’m going to go ahead and dedicate this to the girl who turned in a picture of her with her horse for slideshow last year – you are most definitely not a current member of my sorority.
rolling a bottle of white wine down a hill is a cruel way to get me to jog
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 12, 2012
why are they called blowjobs when they should be called blowfuns hi mom I’m your daughter
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 8, 2012
when I want to let a guy know I like him I draw hearts on my face using my runny mascara tears then point at his crotch
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 6, 2012
people who don’t use their real names for their starbucks order and then tell everyone about it live their lives on the fucking EDGE
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 23, 2012
when a waiter sets a big plate of chicken wings in front of me I look at my date and tell him “prepare to fall in love”
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 4, 2012
hey girls you can stop pretending to like sports as long as you keep pretending to like blow jobs
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 21, 2012
I asked my therapist what I should do with my life haha just kidding like I would ask a box of wine a question
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 3, 2012
a girl told me that her boyfriend sent her flowers so I said he’s probably cheating then she cried and I said and that’s probably why
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) October 25, 2012
my new diet is not buying food that makes me say “fuck it” right before I eat it
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) October 24, 2012
will someone please love taylor swift so she will be quiet
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 28, 2012
if you have penciled-on eyebrows I can’t hear a word you’re saying because I’m staring at them
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 23, 2012
hey guys who eat pizza with a fork why do you hate getting laid
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 23, 2012
I caught a frog but before I could kiss it it squirted a gross liquid all over my hand so I think I’ve dated him before
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 27, 2012
stop betting your left nut guys no one wants it
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 26, 2012
the hot waiter asked how I’d like my eggs and I said fertilized and now my date’s all embarrassed I DIDN’T SAY BY WHO
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) October 25, 2012
wow you would look really cute with short hair is what I tell girls when I want to sleep with their boyfriend
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 28, 2012
I wish girls who “forget to eat” would forget to breathe
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 29, 2012
girls aren’t crazy, they just need reassurance that you love them and you’ll never look at that fucking whore again or I’ll show you crazy
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) October 10, 2012
women who think men are all part of a big secret club that plots against them just never figured out that the password is blowjobs
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) October 23, 2012
Nice Move216
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