Girls are terrible people. Not me, of course. But the rest of you are generally just the worst. While some of us like to call a spade a spade and a cunt a cunt, too many of us fight sneaky. Passive aggression is the weapon of choice, and rather just telling each other to fuck off, we just slowly derail their self-esteem and silently work toward their undoing.
You Should Cut Your Hair Short
It is a commonly known fact that any girl who tells you to cut your hair short hates you. You are like Samson. And also Rapunzel, a la Tangled. Your power comes from your hair. Cutting it short completely strips you of that power. And I know, blah blah blah, you don’t care what guys think. But you care a little what guys think. And now they think you’re a lesbian. Life’s tough. You don’t look better with your pixie cut.
Just Ask Him Out Yourself!
Do you know what people call girls who ask guys out themselves? Hint: it’s not “empowered.” It’s desperate. You can be as feminist as you want and still know a thing or two about the game. And a quick way to lose it is by showing a guy all your cards. Don’t be a fool. He’s not sitting around not asking you out because he’s secretly hoping you’ll do it. He’s not asking you out because he doesn’t want to go out with you.
You Look Better Without Makeup
I’m just going to come out and say it: no you don’t. The literal purpose of makeup is to make you look prettier and if it isn’t doing that for you, it’s not because you look better without makeup. It’s because you don’t know how to do your makeup. You might look better with a more natural look than going full glam, but I assure you that your giant pores, dark circles, and non-existent eyebrows aren’t your “best you.”
Just Eat It
This can go two ways. If you are a person who generally eats like shit, it’s actually fine for your friend to alleviate your guilt when you go for that third slice of pizza. If, however, you are on a health kick (or health life), and are genuinely working toward a “new you,” the girl who tells you to just throw that in the trash and stay fat does not have your best interests at heart. She doesn’t want you to be skinny.
You’d Look Great As A Brunette (If You’re Blonde)
Everyone knows there is a war between blondes and brunettes, and everyone also knows that blondes are winning. As a raven-haired ~beauty,~ I can admit that. So when a blonde bombshell flirts with the idea of becoming another face in the crowd, a good friend will tell her she’s fucking insane. Someone who hates her will encourage her to get exactly one-fifth fewer likes on Instagram.
Wear Whatever You Want!
If you ask “how cute should I get” and a girl tells you to dress casual, and then shows up in a dress and heels, she essentially wishes you were dead. She’ll act coy, like “what! I always wear dresses! But you should be comfortable!” when really, she just wanted you to look like an asshole. And, now you do. Cool joggers, btw.
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