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Send Amanda Bynes to Standards. NOW.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t insanely jealous of Amanda Bynes when I was in elementary school…and most of middle school for that matter. Sure, I was ridiculously spoiled as a child and got everything I wanted, but I didn’t have my own segment on a popular Nickelodeon variety show, and I certainly didn’t have my own comedy show (an issue I’m still exploring with my therapist. My sense of entitlement is insane, but I feel as though I’m entitled to one).

I became a little bit less jealous of her as I saw her career hit a plateau in the mid 2000’s, as do the careers of most child stars: she starred in a string of mediocre to mildly funny comedy movies, and she didn’t date anyone worth mentioning. However, she appeared to be poised to make a comeback after her hilarious mean-girl role in Easy A, and I fully supported it. It was encouraging to see someone from my youth with a steady acting career, because God knows Lindsay Lohan failed miserably at her attempt at fulfilling that role.

As any sorority girl knows, it’s important to keep your name known while keeping your business private (a strategy that takes the better half of your undergrad career to master). Amanda Bynes, up until recently, has been an excellent example of this. She was able to lay low, make a few movies, and still keep her hair looking great (natural highlights, I swear, she’s nailed it). Her only minor speed bump occurred a few years ago when she made waves by claiming she was retiring from acting AND deleting her Twitter…which realistically helped her more than it harmed her because she reminded everyone that she still existed, and remained just as entitled as ever. Genius, actually.

Great highlights aside, Amanda Bynes has been a total trainwreck as of late. Here’s a brief re-cap: she got arrested for a DUI after she side-swiped a police car post-partying at The Standard in Hollywood. Her hair looked terrible in her mugshot…like, it’s pink, terrible. I wish I could give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that the reason for the whole…situation, was because she had an alcohol-induced revelation where she realized that she needed to return to golden blonde STAT and at the time it seemed too crucial for her to wait for a driver. However, I’m guessing she wasn’t en-route to Ken Paves, because after getting sprung from jail, she attempted to return to The Standard and keep the party going. This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, we all know drinking and driving is never okay. That’s why pledges exist – for sober rides. I’m guessing Bynes had access to either A. a driver or B. a cab. Secondly, DO NOT return to the scene of prior embarrassment for at least two weeks- everyone knows this. It’s never good to get sloppy drunk at Fiji, but if you do, leave and go home to sleep it off…DON’T go party elsewhere for an hour and then try to come back. I can’t think of anything more humiliating than being denied entry somewhere.

One would think all of this would have inspired her to take a long hard look at her life and chill out. Unfortunately, she has continued to party hard and get in trouble for being unable to operate a vehicle- she ran over a curb while texting and backing up (two activities that MUST NEVER be done at the same time) and trying to make a three-point turn on a busy West Hollywood street. And she continues to hit the Hollywood club scene harder than ever.

Amanda, we get it. You fell off the radar for a couple years and are trying to remind everyone that you’re back. Partying and being reckless is not the way to do it. If your movie career is failing, try designing shoes or something. That’s what Jessica Simpson did, and she was super successful. Mind you, she’s gotten kind of fat lately, I digress. My remedy for this Amanda Bynes situation is simple – send her to Standards, and scold her for threatening her good standing with her noticeably out of control behavior as of late. I would recommend requiring her to Sober Monitor socials for a month, and I would require a legacy to supervise her sober monitoring…just in case. We don’t need another Lindsay Lohan in Hollywood. I can’t watch two train wrecks happen at once.

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