Sex isn’t easy. I mean, in theory it is. You put something in a hole. And yeah, that general concept isn’t hard (or is it?!) which is why the show “Sixteen and Pregnant” was a thing. But to make it good? That’s not as easy. Recently Men’s Health released an article titled “5 Sex Positions She Hates” and I immediately clicked on it. I mean, thank God our boyfriends/sort of boyfriends/imaginary boyfriends have someone to guide them, right?
Wrong. Wrong. So wrong.
Once I started reading it I realized that not only does it makes absolutely no sense, but it’s totally wrong. Hang onto your vibrators, ladies. Here are the top five sex positions we totayyyyy hate.
1. Doggy Style
Why we “hate” it:
Put simply, it’s too painful. “The issue here is you may be ramming her cervix, which is why deep penetration is often more harmful than hot,” says Sara Gottfried, M.D., OB/GYN, author of The Hormone Cure.
Plus, if you’re fully removing yourself, then re-entering her, it often hurts her chances at staying fully lubricated, Dr. Gottfried explains. Women in our survey also said doggy’s not intimate enough. Most women are looking for more of a connection during sex, Dr. Gottfried says.
While you may have a blast admiring her assets when she’s on all fours, her view of the bed isn’t nearly as stimulating.
Why it’s bullshit:
Let’s cut the shit. Most guys are not “ramming our cervixes.” Most guys are not even close. Calm down, you’re not that big. And in the odd case that a guy is too big, it’s a pretty easy fix. He just doesn’t go as hard, which is accomplished by us saying “ouch” literally one time. The thing is, a lot of girls love doggy because we get to just sit there and take it (win) and it’s super
easy to use a vibrator while chilling on all fours (double win). Sure, we only get to look at the wall (or TV if we’re lucky) but what’s the alternative? Some guy’s pinched, sweaty face? His hairy back? His hairy balls? Yeah, the wall’s not looking so bad now. So guys, before you take this one out of the repertoire, consider maybe asking her if she likes it. Lots of women do, and again, odds are you’re not *too* big for it lol.
2. Woman on Top
Why we “hate” it:
Why she’s not into it: One word: insecurity. According to our survey, a majority of women feel more self-conscious when they’re on top.
Dr. Gottfried says women often worry about what their stomachs or breasts look like from where you’re laying. And even though you think she looks like a rock star, even the tiniest shred of doubt can put out her fire.
Why it’s bullshit:
I’m sorry. What? The “majority” of most women realize that one of the few ways to get off during sex *is* on top. Sure, there’s a little more room for insecurity when he’s staring up at your chins but come on. That’s what light switches were invented for. We might have a moment of self-doubt, but that goes away once we get to be in control. Besides, one word: friction.
3. Reverse Cowgirl
Why we “hate” it:
Why she’s not into it: Because it’s hard for her to climax like that — and not everything fits when she’s riding in reverse.
“Reverse cowgirl may seem sexy and adventurous, but when you actually try to enter her, things might not fit the way you think that they should,” says Jen Landa, M.D., Chief Medical Officer of BodyLogicMD and author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women. It often boils down to the curvature of your penis not coinciding with the angle of her vagina, Dr. Landa says. Realistically, any time you bend your penis too far at the base, it’s not only uncomfortable for her, it becomes dangerous for you.
In other words, you can break your junk.
Why it’s bullshit:
While I’ll admit, reverse cowgirl isn’t usually at the top of our lists, it’s not falling in dead last, either. No, this isn’t a climax move. This is more of a “I’m almost done with being on top so I’m going to impress you so I can just lay down and take it for the next five minutes” move. It’s a workout, so you if you skipped the gym for the past 10 years like I have, it’s a good way to get some cardio in. Besides, considering the fact that your ass is in his face, it pretty much guarantees that things are going to wrap up soon. If you’re ready to go watch some Netflix, this is a winner. And besides, if you position it right, you can either get some of that coveted friction or work a hand up there. It’s not so bad, guys.
4. Missionary
Why we “hate” it:
Why she’s not into it: It doesn’t hit the right spots. “And if you’re on the smaller end of the spectrum, this position doesn’t really accentuate your size,” Dr. Landa says.
How to fix it: Try using the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT)—just don’t call it that in bed. The position is similar to missionary, except your body is farther up and to one side. (So rather than being chest to chest, your chest is near her shoulders.)
Have her bend her legs about 45 degrees to tilt her hips up, which causes the base of your shaft to maintain constant contact with her clitoris. Even though the name is a mouthful, the move is proven to work: Women who were unable to climax in regular missionary were 56 % more likely to climax using CAT, according to a study from the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy.
Why it’s bullshit:
Have they ever seen a romantic comedy? Do they know anything about us? No, missionary alone isn’t going to get us off. But IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT THAT. It’s about the love. And the kisses. And the fact that we get to just lay there and do a very minimal amount of work. Plus, there are tons of things we can do in this position (which, in their defense, they did mention). We can put a leg up. We can put two legs up. We can put a pillow underneath us or we can daydream about what our wedding colors should be. There are so many possibilities. DON’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM US ASSHOLES.
5. 69
Why we “hate” it:
She’s, well, preoccupied. According to our survey results, women say it’s too difficult to focus on receiving pleasure when they have to concentrate on giving it.
And pleasure and reaching climax is heavily determined by her mental state, Dr. Landa says. So it becomes difficult to relax and enjoy your oral skills if she’s trying to take care of your needs at the same time.
Why it’s bullshit:
Actually, yeah. Can’t argue with this one. 1/5 guys. I’ll give you that.
So if we’re not having sex in missionary, doggy, girl on top, or reverse cowgirl, what *are* we doing? Let me guess: it starts with blow jobs and ends with making sandwiches? Thanks for the tips, Men’s Health. Just don’t give our boyfriends any advice anytime soon..
[via Men’s Health]
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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