The money shot. The threesome. The two girls one vibrator. No, I’m not quoting the lyrics to some rapper’s newest degrading piece of shit–I’m talking about your boyfriend’s computer search history. I know, I know. Your boyfriend is different. He doesn’t watch porn. He think’s its dirty. He doesn’t need that because he has you and you’re perfect, and he’ll kiss you, and do what you want, and offer you a ring, and blah, blah, blah just to end this conversation. He’s lying. I don’t care if he tells you watching porn gives him hives and his throat closes and he goes into anaphylaxis shock. He’ll take the hives just so he can watch two girls get it on during a shockingly realistic looking gym class. Now that I’ve uncovered your boyfriend’s dirty little secret, it’s time we move on together. I know it’s hard, but you can get through this, and there are several approaches you can take.
1. Be completely psycho and tell him to never watch porn again, which will cause him to sneak around your back and watch it and lie about it. Then he’ll think you’re a total bitch and eventually break up with you, which will cause you to gain 20 pounds and end up alone with cats.
2. Do nothing. This is a good approach because, like, he’s been doing it since he was 11.
3. Be super cool with it and suggest you two “explore together.”
Did that last one freak you out a bit? It shouldn’t. Upon sneakily asking my friends about porn, more than half of them said they not only watch porn, but would–if they hadn’t already–watch it with their boyfriends. Still think it’s super weird and that I’m most likely a crazed sex-addict? Sit back while your man watches two people do the dirty and let me tell you why it isn’t so bad.
1. He’s Not Cheating
Wouldn’t you rather he watch it than partake in it? You look at celebrities. You look at other guys. Go take a Xanax and chill because he’s not doing anything wrong.
2. He Knows It’s Fake
Any mentally stable guy knows that porn is fictional. I don’t know about you, but I would rather him watch a girl get a money shot than have to deal with the post, “Baby, can you hand me a towel or something so I can wipe my face?” situation.
3. He’s Going To Do It Anyway
He won’t stop. Once his balls drop, so does his ability to avoid the female form. Accept it or accept the fact that he’ll lie to your face if you ask him about it.
4. You Watch Dumb Shit, Too
“The Notebook,” “27 Dresses,” “Love And Other Drugs.” We watch completely baffling, unrealistic movies where we drool over the perfect guy who doesn’t exist. No man in the actual world is super hot, sweet, loves kids, is great in bed, is totally fine with comforting our insane insecurities, and is all for trying our on-again-off-again sort of vegan lifestyle. Seriously. We know (or we should know) this isn’t real. It’s a fantasy. Hello? Porn is a rom-com for guys, except they don’t drink a whole bottle of wine and cry while watching it.
5. Girls Can Watch Porn
Ever tried? There’s tons of stuff out there. It could open your eyes to some new things, and shockingly, girls can be turned on by it, too. And I promise you will get his attention if you start a sentence saying, “So last night I was searching though pornhub…”
6. Suggest A Night To Watch It Together
Also, please invite me to the wedding, because he will without a doubt think you’re a keeper after that. Just please have an open bar–don’t make me smuggle in my flask.
7. You Could Spice Up Your Own Sex Life
Man, oh, man, do guys love missionary. Is anything better for a guy than staring into a girl’s eyes as he does all of the work, holds all his weight up, and doesn’t get to grab anything he wants to grab? Talk about living the dream. I’m not saying you should be a porn star (but, like, no judgment). I’m just saying you can do some work and be creative every now and again, too, sweetheart.
8. He’s Thinking About You When He Watches it
Romantic, huh? I don’t mean he wants you to do every little sick thing that turns him on, but the fantasy he has is that it would happen for him. In his mind, you’re the one doing the ol’ tug and tickle for him. So, really, you should be flattered. And next time you ask if he thought about you while you were gone, you can be sure he–and his hand–had you on his mind.
9. Every. Guy. Does. It.
They just do.
10. It’s Called Compromise
There are things about you that he doesn’t like. He answers all of your, “Am I pretty?” or, “Do you love me?” questions. He lets you eat all of the food in his house. He buys you drinks when you go out, and lets you pick the movie when you stay in. If you picked a good one, he doesn’t ask for much. I think accepting the fact that he watches “Dorm Sluts 7” isn’t that big of a tradeoff considering the fact he’s buying YOU dinner, not the girl with the money shot.
Nice Move633
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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