The situation: He’s your boyfriend.
The deliberation: This is a man whom you presumably love, and at the very least care about enough to give up the chance at getting dicked down by randos. That’s a nice feeling, I hear. And if you care about a person, you should want to do right by them. However, if he cares about you, he should also want to do right by you, which means realizing that any item of clothing you touch instantly becomes yours should you want it to. If you haven’t stolen half of a guy’s wardrobe, is he even your boyfriend? I think not.
The verdict: Do not return.
The situation: He’s your friend with benefits.
The deliberation: Unlike your boyfriend, your friend with benefits does not literally owe you the shirt off his back. However, as he’s not your boyfriend, you should care less about what exactly it is he owes you, and more about what you’re getting out of this situation — which is a good dicking and a good shack shirt. If he complains about you stealing all his swag, just dog on him, like any friend would, for sacrificing a good t-shirt to the vodka gods.
The verdict: Do not return.
The situation: You had a one-night stand.
The deliberation: If you escaped a one-night stand with anything more than a cab ride home and $25 for his share of the Plan B, you are honestly a goddess among women. That shirt is not merely something to cover up your see-through leotard on your way home this morning, it is a trophy, and it should serve as the only reminder of the night. Don’t try to get in contact with this guy for something as ridiculous as his t-shirt. It’s yours now. A one-night stand costs everyone a little something. For you, it was a notch on your bedpost. For him, it was a t-shirt.
The verdict: Do not return.
The situation: He’s the guy you’re casually seeing, and you’re hoping to parlay it into more.
The deliberation: So you like this guy a lot, and managed to snag a t-shirt? Kudos! This is the perfect opportunity to set yourself up to see him again and return it, while also showcasing how ~wifey~ you are, as you have the astute skills required to launder an old t-shirt. Except don’t fucking do that, because it’s the most pathetic thing you could ever do. Washing, and drying, and fluffing some t-shirt he forgot about just as an excuse to see him? Get real. Make him come to you, honey.
The verdict: Do not return.
The situation: It’s his favorite shirt.
The deliberation: Honestly, you’d kind of be a shitty person if you kept someone’s favorite shirt. Unless…..he gave you his favorite shirt as a testament to how he felt about you, in which case it would kind of be rude to send it back. I mean what kind of fool would give a girl his FAVORITE shirt if he didn’t want her to have it?
The verdict: Do not return.
The situation: It’s a gal pal.
The deliberation: Unlike all the other people to whom you’ve given your body as a payment for this garment, your friend has done nothing but provide you with a place to sleep, and some comfy clothes to do it in when your apartment was too far away. She probably even drove you home in the morning. Maybe you even got breakfast. But in every female friendship, some clothes get exchanged eventually. Maybe she permanently ends up with your spare purse sunnies, and maybe you end up with her shack shirt. A fair trade.
The verdict: Do not return, unless she specifically asks for it back because of some sentimental value.
The situation: It’s your ex.
The deliberation: Wow, that guy gave you so much. Heartache. Headaches. Chlamydia. And now he wants his shirt back so he can give it to that skank from Instagram? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
The verdict: Do not return. In fact, send him a video of you burning it..
Nice Move255
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
vmruckh
veronica@grandex.co
