Whether it’s my love for all things romantic or just the crippling fear I have of dying alone, I think it’s safe to say that I’m obsessed with weddings. Representing the ultimate form of #girlpower, weddings are absolutely joyous occasions in which a man finally throws in the towel, thus selling his soul to the woman he loves in the form of a giant rock and a bunch of poorly-angled Sepia photos. Beyond her cunning yet brilliant ability to eventually trick a (rich) man into marrying her one day, the girl who has her Ph.D. (or has OCD, however you want to look at it) in spousal studies exhibits a number of characteristics that include, but are not limited to, the ones below.
The maid of matrimony has an undying love for anything and everything bridal television. The only remedy that cures her Thursday night hangovers are healthy, 12-hour binges of Friday Brideday on TLC. She is known for getting way too attached to the women on “Four Weddings” and feels personally insulted when her favorite bride doesn’t win because “her chicken was too dry.” She knows more about wedding dresses than Pnina Tornai, and attributes all of this knowledge to the plethora of the “Say Yes to the Dress” marathons she has watched on the elliptical throughout the years. Randy from Kleinfelds and Monty from Brides by Lori are her spirit animals, and she will legitimately faint if she ever meets them in person. She finds herself physically enraged when a bride doesn’t know the difference between ivory and eggshell, and she is also notorious for sympathizing with the brides on “Bridezillas.”
The queen of nuptials is also armed with extensive ideas and details of what her big day will be like, too. She has more than three Pinterest boards devoted to her wedding and proper accompaniments, and she has probably had near panic attacks in public about whether the border colors on her place cards should be salmon or coral. She started her pre-wedding liquid diet last year even though there is no boyfriend–or anyone even close to husband-worthy–in sight. Although she already chose the wedding venue back in third grade, she often consults the long-range weather predictions in the Farmers’ Almanac to decide upon the actual wedding date. She purchased her “Mr. and Mrs.” toasting glasses from an artist in rural Tuscany when she studied abroad two years ago, and she is known to subconsciously ask her future bridesmaids, “Don’t you want a salad instead?”
The broad of bridal bliss’s biggest fear in life is having ugly sisters-in-law, because they will mess up the perfect pedigree featured in her wedding pictures. Her favorite way to describe other girls is, “the type to play Bruno Mars’s ‘Just The Way You Are’ as her first dance.” After her wedding, she plans to have a vow renewal ceremony every six months to ensure her husband’s unfaltering commitment, and because all is fair in love and a shared bank account.
But the truly wedding-obsessed doesn’t even know who the groom is, and she often wonders why he’s even there in the first place. She assures herself he’s there because she needs the perfect “candidly feeding each other after we cut the cake” picture, but other than that, she would be completely satisfied just marrying herself.
Love is a battlefield out there, ladies–one has got to plan ahead!