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Situations Where Murdering Your Boyfriend Is Totally Justified

Kill Bf

I’m against murder in general, mostly. Too messy. But there are some situations where the only logical reaction to someone else’s actions is pure, unadulterated violence, like when your boyfriend shows up to the holiday party without his pumpkin costume on and you’re left looking like a sad, lonely squash all night. Look, nobody is perfect, especially in a relationship, but certain things are more unforgivable than others. Usually when he fucks up, all you really need is a few glasses of wine and some girlfriends to bitch to about him. Then, you can passive aggressively punish him for a few days until he brings you flowers or donuts and you can allow him to go down on you again. Other times, however, he really fucks up. These are a few situations where if I’d heard that the guy had been actually killed over it, I would be like, yeah, makes sense.

He throws away your box of holiday decorations “by accident”
It can take years of careful selection to create a box of holiday decor that you love. I personally have a Fall box, a Halloween box, and a Christmas box, and that’s only counting the last three months out of the year. If someone fucked with that stuff, I can’t be held responsible for what I’d do. Do you have any idea how long it takes to find the perfect combination of fake pumpkins and hand-lettered autumn signs? Do you?

He spills details of your sex life to his friends, but not about how hot you are
Nobody wants their boyfriend to kiss and tell, except all of us, because we want to be talked about during our hottest moments. I want you telling your friends how sexy I am, and how great I look naked. What I don’t want is for you to regale your buddies with the story of the last time we had drunk sex and I fell off the end of the bed and concussed myself. That was painful enough without you sharing it with your idiot friends, who now offer me ice packs whenever they see me. Dicks.

He actually does what he wants when you tell him to do whatever he wants
Everyone knows that when a girl uses this phrase it means the exact opposite of the stated intent. You might as well be saying “fuck you if you go and hang out with your friends tonight,” and if he doesn’t get that, punishment must be doled out. If he says “great, thanks babe,” kisses you on the forehead, and leaves, he might as well have shit on your face. Treating the insult with the level of intensity it deserves just makes good sense, even if he dies for it.

He hesitates when you ask him if an outfit makes you look fat
Are you fucking kidding me?

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Shannon Layne

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com

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