Six Annual Halloween Reminders


If You’re Going To Dress Slutty, At Least Be Creative
Lindsay Lohan once famously stated, “Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up as a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” And she’s correct. But what she forgot to mention is that you need to be creative too. Slutty Princess and Skanky Alien have been around for far too long. Guys might catch a glimpse of you, but chances are what he’s really looking at is Ms. McDonald’s. Guys already think fast food is sexy as it is. Imagine what he thinks of a tasty meal walking around with a yellow M on her shirt.

Ingest As Much Sugar As Possible
If you don’t have borderline diabetes by the end of October, you did Halloween wrong. Stuff all of the orange Kit-Kats down your esophagus before they’re gone. Inhale eyeball cake pops. Devour cupcakes with graves on them. FUCKING SNORT PUMPKIN SPICE AT THE PREGAME. Basically, pump all of the sugar you possibly can into your bloodstream while it’s still acceptable.

Watch Freeform’s “13 Nights Of Halloween”
It’s here. That time we look forward all year long…Freeform’s “13 Nights Of Halloween.” Grab your roommate or, god forbid, your boy toy, plop your ass down on the couch with Halloween candy, and stare at the screen until your brains melt out of your head (which is pretty much the goal during this season). If you don’t walk around looking like a real life zombie from your peepers staring at the screen for so long, I don’t even want to know you.

Actually Scare TF Out Of Someone
What fun is Halloween if you don’t even pull some kind of prank??? Scare someone, anyone. And I mean REALLY scare the living shit out of them. Maybe don’t do it to an old person though because how many years do they really have? You don’t want to risk a heart attack. If you can’t think of anything, just show your victim your bank account after a night out.

Drink ALLLL Of The Magic Potion
Go ahead and absorb unholy amounts of witches’ brew. Twiddle your thumbs on Pinterest and find an absurd amount of high-class Halloween drinks. You’ll find everything from Zombie Gut Punch cocktails to Bloody Brain shooters. Whatever disturbing-named drink you choose, take it to the head because they’ll be gone before you know it. Or just hit up the bar and ask for an Adios Motherfucker. Close enough.

If You Have A BF, It’s Okay To Make Him Match You
So, you’ve wifed up someone and don’t want any bunny hoes hitting on him. What ever should you do? Match his ass. Be creative, but noticeable AF. Make sure it’s extremely obvious the two of you came to the party together and will be leaving together. If some pirate bitch sees your man walking around as a fucking blue loofa, maybe she’ll still think he’s hot if she can get past the ridiculousness. But when she sees you, the pink loofa, she won’t second-guess your relationship. Loofa bitches are crazy. Your man might think your train of thought is “Couples who dress up together stay together.” But really, you’re just marking your territory. Don’t fuck with the power of the loofa.

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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