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So He Has a New Girlfriend

You knew it would happen someday, but why did it have to be now? You’ve been so busy not giving a fuck about him that you didn’t even consider that he could be off somewhere not giving a fuck about you, too. You noticed this idiot slut writing super gay things on his wall (like the occasional desperate smiley face), and commenting on all of his fucking statuses with “lol!” because she just haaad to make her fucking presence known. Who exclaims lol? Who even SAYS lol? Go back to the fifth grade sweetheart. You’ll fit right in with your lack of tits and frizzy hair. He’s not even funny, and if he somehow managed to say something remotely clever, it was definitely not worthy of an exclamatory lol. Try-hard. Regardless of how badly you want to tell yourself otherwise, the evidence is right in front of you. A picture of her laughing as he throws her over his shoulder to accompany Facebook telling you “Your ex-boyfriend went from being ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship'” with “Some Ugly Bitch.” You’re almost positive that was her name. Whatever.

You immediately rush to the one person who always knows what to say. Your big. “He has a new girlfriennndddddd!!! How could this happen?” You manage to spit out between sniffles. Or satanic screams. You might scream it…really pick your poison here. She asks you the most important question of them all (which is conveniently the only question you really know the answer to). “Is she pretty?” HA! NO…yes. You stalk her excessively. She’s so fucking ugly. And skinny. You’re faced with the difficult decision of whether you should call it quits and eat a whole container of Ben and Jerry’s or if you should never eat again. You decide getting fat won’t solve anything. And she’s really skinny. But mostly just fucking ugly. You turn to your Big to reconfirm this notion. She hesitantly tells you that the girl is hideous. “OMG!!! Do you think she’s prettier than me?” She assures you that even on a bad day you’re way prettier, but this other girl is like…fine. She’s fine. Nothing special. But maybe not hideous. Continue stalking. She’s in a service sorority, and really, what could be worse? Service sororities are worse than GDIs. They’re like knockoff designer bags. I’d respect you way more if you just got a purse from Forever 21 than if you bought Fauxlce and Gabbana. Another point for you. She’s Facebook friends with all his pledge brothers. Point for her. She’s probably heard your name way before you heard hers and has already Facebook stalked the shit out of you (and felt equally if not more insecure when looking at your spring break photos). Point for you. She’s Facebook friends with his actual brother. Point her. That one might count double.

The only thing upsetting you more than the fact that Sir Jackass has a new girlfriend is the fact that you’re getting upset about him having a girlfriend. Who cares? Why do you care! You dumped him! You broke his heart! You had a new guy within a week of your breakup and he came crawling back to you for like…ever. You can name way more things that you didn’t like about him than things you did like about him. You were literally the best thing about him! Ugh! But he was supposed to be perpetually in love with you! How could he move on? How could he possibly have a girl in his mind who isn’t you? No girl was ever supposed to compare to you, ever! Oh, hmmm…that’s kind of bitchy of you. Slightly bitchier than usual perhaps.

Take a breather. It sucks. It TOTALLY sucks. And yes, she and he have been F-wording for a few months and I guess he sorta likes her for some reason…but you and he were L-wording for like a few years. I wouldn’t call myself a romantic but L-word trumps F-word and it doesn’t just get erased because he has someone new. So just drink…a lot. Make sure someone is babysitting your phone for the night (because “I miss you” texts would be the opposite of a good idea). Throw a bitchfit to everyone who will listen that lasts no longer than a week (or else you’ll likely be murdered by your sisters), and pray you never ever ever ever EVER run into her and everything should be fine. Besides, you really are prettier.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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