It’s common knowledge that we are all psychopaths…and of course, by “psychopaths” I mean we do things that are, by girl logic, actually totally normal; our male counterparts just refuse to read our minds so it seems a bit crazy. We have “chill” girls to thank for reenforcing their beliefs that we should just be laid back and low-maintenance. (Btdubbs there is no such thing as a “chill” girl, I’ve decided. There are girls who are crazy, and there are girls who are so damn good at being crazy that they’ve manipulated their boyfriends into thinking they are “chill”: They either have him so unknowingly whipped that he does whatever she wants on auto-pilot so she never needs to get mad…or she’s disguised her anger and revenge in such a way that he doesn’t even know it’s ever happened. Either way, these girls are the enemy, upholding false ideologies of “sanity” and they’re ruining everything for the rest of us. I think.)
Men know we stalk the absolute shit out of them. Obviously, when we’re getting to know them we do everything in our power to get to know them before we actually get to know them via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, google, fucking xanga whatever. (It’s just because we care). Be careful about LinkedIn though, post grads…it tells them who viewed their profiles and my best friend totally got called out on it once and I think her recovery was less than graceful.
Still, full-knowing that women do these things to men who are not in any shape, way, or form even SLIGHTLY their boyfriends, guys find themselves in a state of absolute shock when we do it to people who are our boyfriends. And they say we’re not logical. Let me just put it out there once and for all…if you are in possession of both a penis, and a long-term girlfriend, your textual privacy has been invaded. Your girlfriend has read through your emails, text messages, facebook messages, gchats, and ransacked the entire contents of your bedroom at least once. Maybe not that last one…but she’s done at least one of the others at least one time. This, while it’s wrong, is normal. And by “normal” of course I mean extremely common, not that she was in a normal state of mind when she did it.
Ladies, get all judgey and pretend you’ve never done it. Let she who is without sin…vasion of privacy cast the first stone. It can be onset by a number of things:
Jealousy
Just like the rest of her property, if a girl loves her boyfriend or even just really likes him…or even just likes him a little bit, she wants him all to herself. It’s because we care…about ourselves. If a guy starts acting shady and starts sending secret text messages to his lab partner who isn’t quite the ugliest girl you’ve ever seen in your life (read: pretty), or she noticed some skank from a rush party friended him on facebook (and he made the rookie mistake of accepting her), we’re going to start to get suspicious. The jealousy takes over and crazy girl brain kicks in. I really don’t care how many times you told me you are just asking what chapter you were supposed to read tonight, all I see is some giggling slut with two perfectly good mediocre breasts and an assumedly wide-set vagina on the other end of that conversation plotting to kidnap my boyfriend and brainwash him so that he’ll marry her, similar to what T-Swift did to brunette wig T-Swift in “You Belong With Me.” (That’s right, I said it. That song is about being a boyfriend stealer, and maybe if you were wearing high heels instead of your ugly marching band uniform, you’d have a boyfriend of your own, Tay Tay. Don’t hate on a girl because she’s put together and because the boy you’re pining for likes her. Just because she likes different music than you do doesn’t make her a bad person. I digress.). Not on my watch, sister. Sometimes the jealousy overcomes a girl, and she just HAS to check to make sure her boy is being honest. Is it fair? No. Will it lead to a ton of “I love you” blow jobs (not to mention a whole new level of trust) if he’s been faithful? You betcha.
Insecurity
Maybe a guy really seems to be a good guy…maybe he even is a good guy. Maybe he gives you no reason to doubt yourself whatsoever. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always mean there is no nagging suspicions in the back of your mind. If your guy is a little bit better-looking than you are, it’s absolutely understandable that you’re feeling insecure and unsure of his devotions to you. More likely, you’ve been cheated on before and now you have trouble trusting guys. It’s not his fault, but that’s not your problem.
Sheer Curiosity And Opportunity
If someone came to you and said “this is the meaning of life right here. You can read up on it, but your boyfriend will probably be angry if he founds out you did it” you’d OBVIOUSLY read up on the meaning of life. His conversations with girls are pretty much equally important…and maybe it’s not something you spend all of your days thinking about. But just this one time…when he left his facebook open on your computer, and all the mysteries of your relationship are sitting before you it is really, really, REALLY hard not to look just because of a silly thing like “his privacy.” Trust isn’t always enough to stop you…you can trust your man with your life, but sometimes it’s just really really nice to have that reaffirmation that he’s not fucking up and being a douchebag behind your back. It’s a good feeling to know he’s behaving when he doesn’t think he can get caught, and you know it’s wrong…but you’re human. Eve couldn’t resist the forbidden fruit, blame her; it’s in your nature.
I’m not saying this is in any way a good quality. It’s bad – really bad – and if a guy did it to you all hell would break loose…because guys aren’t supposed to be sneaky and manipulative (read: smart) about internet creeping, so it’s weird when they do it. Double standards. TSTC, amirite? It definitely shouldn’t be happening all the time, and if it does, it’s either because you found something once and you actually can’t trust him again, or because your relationship is failing and you’re looking for a way out. All I’m saying is that guys need to stop pretending like you’re some kind of crazy person doing something SO weird and that none of his friends are subject to this. I’m hoping maturity, or like trust or something, eventually takes over, and it’s something you don’t feel inclined to do in your old(er) age. I can say with certainty that I’ve not felt inclined to stalk out the guy I’m currently not-seeing, but I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve grown up and I really trust him, or if it’s because he’s a heartless asshole to my face so I’m not even concerned with what he’s doing behind my back. It’s a toss-up, really. Either way, fellas, I know it sucks if you get creeped, but take comfort in the fact that at least you’re smarter than your friends who think they haven’t been, because if they are in college, I assure you they have, their girlfriends just haven’t been caught.
Nice Move153
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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