You know that guy out there whose dick you literally want to cut off because either A) he doesn’t know how to use it or B) he’s misusing it with other people? Good news! There’s a man who actually goes around and cuts the penises off of people. Down side? The people have to be dead first. He doesn’t mess with live tallywags.
That’s right. A 52-year-old man in Croatia was arrested after police entered his apartment and stumbled upon jars of formaldehyde-soaked penises.
Apparently, most people thought this man was an a-okay guy. He worked at a city hospital. He had no previous criminal record. He’s even a “family man.” But I guess some tattletales said he sometimes showed up to work drunk–but I get it, man. You go in for a hard day of cutting off dead people’s dicks and, like, you have to immediately have a jar or put them in your pocket, then get them safely to your car so you can bring them home to your family and add them to the dick shrine. That’s a stressful day. I’d need a drink, too. Seriously, no judgment.
A hospital spokesperson commented on the case of the missing penises:
“On behalf of all employees of the hospital, I have to say that we are very unpleasantly surprised by an event that threw a shadow over this hospital. Our apologies to the families of the deceased.”
Because I bet those families were pissed that the dead bodies were missing their manhood. My first response to a loved one dying is to check and see if his genitals are intact, so I really can’t even imagine their outrage.
Unfortunately, the name of the schlong stealer has yet to be released, but we can only hope that it is Richard Hunter (for you slow kids, Dick Hunter).
The unnamed dick hunter is currently facing two years of jail time if he is convicted, which is a small price to pay for following his heart and having the collection of his (wet) dreams. And luckily for him, I’m sure he’ll get to see a lot of penises while he’s doing his time. So really, it’s like a win-win for him.
Now if you’re like I am (and if so, I’m sorry) you’re just full of questions. Did it have that fulfilling crunch that a cucumber has when it’s chopped in half or was it more like slicing through a jellyfish? Did he name them? WHAT DID HE FEED THEM? Did he have a specific room for them, or were they scattered around the house? Did he have a favorite? Should they be placed in shade or direct sunlight?
And, of course, my number one question: why? I mean, I’ve imagined cutting off a dick or two when I was cheated on or while I was PMSing, but what drives someone to actually go up to a dead guy and say, “Hey pal, you’re not using this anymore, mind if I take it?” (Writer’s note: I do not know if he asked the dead bodies for permission.) My theory? He’s a male nurse. I’ve see “Meet the Parents.” I know how much shit these guys get. He just wanted a little keepsake to make him feel manly and I really think he loved his pet penises, so who’s the bad guy here? Him or society?
I’m just fucking with you, he’s a sicko. Later, penis chopper! #ByeFelicia.