Sometimes, He’s Just Way Too Into You

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Who could blame him? You’re great. But honestly, all this attention and affection is starting to get a little weird. Especially since you’ve only gone on two dates. And can only remember one of them. (Umm, hi bottomless brunch!) He’s cute, friendly, and sure, he can wear the hell out of a sweaty lacrosse jersey, but you’re not even sure if he lives on campus. Or off campus. Or in the basement of the library. When you voice your concerns about his clingy behavior to your friends, they tell you that he just likes you–a lot. But when you receive 237 Facebook notifications saying that he “liked” every single one of your photos, you realize this is not the kind of “like” you had in mind.

He’s just too into you if…

  1. He asked if you prefer steak or fish. When you asked him why, he said he was filling out your response card for his sister’s wedding next summer.
  2. He already sent you a Facebook request to be in a relationship before you were 100 percent sure of his last name.
  3. He had a three-course romantic dinner cooked for you in your apartment when you got home from class. He does not have a key and you do not have a roommate. Also, you can’t find your cat.
  4. He destroyed every single mirror in your house and left a note–on top of the shards of glass–that just said, “I knew you didn’t need these. You always look great!”
  5. He called ahead to the restaurant he’s taking you to tonight to make sure no one serves you any shellfish since you’re allergic. You never told him that.
  6. He slipped a baby names book into your bag while you were busy swiping through Tinder.
  7. He convinced his frat brothers to change their spring formal theme to just pictures of your face.
  8. He did your taxes. For next year.
  9. He booked two nonrefundable tickets for a Disney Cruise that leaves tomorrow for 14 days just because you said, “Yes, I have seen ‘Aladdin.’ “
  10. He made you the executor of his living will.
  11. He hid thousands of tiny notes to you all over your apartment, but half of them don’t even have writing on them. Which is even creepier.
  12. He bought you matching his and hers monogrammed bathrobes. He keeps his at your place. Along with slippers. And a towel. And a toothbrush.
  13. He got a small tattoo of a four leaf clover on his left bicep because he claims he first knew you were “The One” when he saw you doing a keg stand at some bar called O’Brien’s. At least, he thinks it was you.
  14. He has too many cutesy nicknames for you like, “sweetie,” “honey bear,” and “my wife.”
  15. He’s hiding in your bedroom. Right now.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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