You, my friend, have found the key to success.

I’d come to class not drunk after not stopping by the Student Health to not get Plan B. You’re only half a degenerate.

Have you done the math? Your results might come up differently if you do the math.
1. First, determine how attractive you are on a scale of 1-10 and multiply this number by two.
2. Divide that number by 100.
3. Subtract that number from one.
4. Multiply that number by the actual number of partners you’ve had.
5. Subtract one for every semester you were single in college.
6. Divide by two for good measure.
7. Round to the nearest whole number.
8. Find the absolute value.
9. Take that number and contemplate suicide for exactly that many minutes.
10. Fuck it all, and just say “seven,” because it’s safe.

Pro-tip: the cool thing about college, is you don’t have to have a gross explanation for why you’re not there.

Photoshop and girls like you are the reason I have trust issues.

Wait, now. Is he hot? This could actually really work out in your favor.

I’m sure they’d be fine with it. I mean, it’s not like you got fat.

Watch “The Magic School Bus.” It should help.

It actually counts as an excused absence, as long as you dress up like a school girl.