Columns

# Sorority Secrets Revealed

Every feel the need to let something big off your chest, and a subtweet just won’t do? Enter Whisper. We recently got word of the app that’s been taking college students by storm, and since then, things have only gotten juicier. Below are just a few of the most interesting secrets going around the college world. Everyone loves a piece of gossip, especially sorority girls. Read on.

You, my friend, have found the key to success.

I’d come to class not drunk after not stopping by the Student Health to not get Plan B. You’re only half a degenerate.

Have you done the math? Your results might come up differently if you do the math.
1. First, determine how attractive you are on a scale of 1-10 and multiply this number by two.
2. Divide that number by 100.
3. Subtract that number from one.
4. Multiply that number by the actual number of partners you’ve had.
5. Subtract one for every semester you were single in college.
6. Divide by two for good measure.
7. Round to the nearest whole number.
8. Find the absolute value.
9. Take that number and contemplate suicide for exactly that many minutes.
10. Fuck it all, and just say “seven,” because it’s safe.

Pro-tip: the cool thing about college, is you don’t have to have a gross explanation for why you’re not there.

Photoshop and girls like you are the reason I have trust issues.

Wait, now. Is he hot? This could actually really work out in your favor.

I’m sure they’d be fine with it. I mean, it’s not like you got fat.

Watch “The Magic School Bus.” It should help.

It actually counts as an excused absence, as long as you dress up like a school girl.

## Email this to a friend

### Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking \$4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co