Columns

Spring Break: The Inevitable Troubles in Paradise

After a full semester of liquid diets and obnoxious over-anticipation, it’s finally here: Spring Break. Your bikini bod is ready to go, and you’re eager as ever to lay out on a beach in some tropical location with no work, no drama, and most importantly, no Standards board. You’re expecting to have an amazing time, get a little (or a lot), reckless, hook up, and enjoy your sisters’ company, but there are a few unexpected surprises that will most likely occur in paradise.

Somebody will…Have a financial crisis.
Perhaps we plan poorly or maybe we just forgot that just because we won’t buy our drinks at night that doesn’t mean we won’t be spending money on literally everything else all week long, but there you are, four days in, laying by the pool, about to put another Pina Colada with extra rum on your tab, and at least one girl gets that ever-so-awkward…. “Your credit card was denied.” First of all, double-you tee eff. Her father is the CEO of something-or-other, I’m pretty sure he didn’t just run out of money. But, unlike you, she is one of those girls whose father put her on an allowance, rather than full-access to his credit card, in an attempt to teach her financial responsibility. Nice work, Daddy. Clearly the lesson went unlearned. She will waste at least an hour of your precious time that could have been better spent drunkenly absorbing UV rays crying over her balance of $0.56. You do your best to comfort her, but really you have no idea whether or not her dad will understand that Spring Break is a special occasion. After what seems like forever she finally makes the call home for more cash, and after several “but Daddy”s he wires her an adequate amount of money to fund her booze problem and ends the conversation with a casual “I’m disappointed, but I understand; I was young once too, and I’d never let you be without money. I love you, Princess” and he’ll forget all about it by the time she gets home. Crisis averted.

Somebody will…Have a huge fight
Ordinarily, you spend HUGE amounts of time with your sisters, you may even live with them, but Spring Break is different. At school, you have breaks from these girls. You have other friends besides each other; family dinners, big/little nights, your special boy, alone time at the lib, and occasionally you even make an appearance in class…but on spring break, every waking moment is spent with the girls you’ve decided to vacation with. More than likely, you are sleeping in a small hotel room, sharing the bathroom, the mirror, and the beds. With so much time, and so little space, zero outlets, and so many different yet oh-so-similar personalities, conflict will naturally arise. Katie took too long to get ready, Melissa ate Jenny’s food, Elaina doesn’t want to compromise on where to go that night, or Jamie is just being too…Jamie, shit’s going to escalate at one point or another. It might be a major blow-out, probably about nothing all that major, but it’s going to happen, and it’s going to be awkward for everyone else. Hopefully everyone will be able to get over whatever it is for long enough to make the remainder of your trip pleasant, but either way, twenty-four hours off from your SB crew will be nice when you get back. But really, not much longer than that, because the second you have alone time, you’ll be over it.

Somebody will…Threesome
I’m sorry, but it’s not Spring Break unless something crazy happens, and there’s just something about Spring Break and threesomes. I’m not saying someone will definitely have a threesome, but at the very least someone will almost have a threesome, and there will 100% be a three-way kiss somewhere along the way. It doesn’t have to be with two sisters…maybe some couple decided they wanted to try to take someone home, or maybe your boyfriend paid for a private show for the two of you from a local stripper, but in any case…two is the new loneliest number. I really don’t know why. It might have something to do with the fact that you’re a million miles away from home and you forget that it’s still real life…because it isn’t. Maybe it’s because over the past few days tequila has found a permanent residence in your bloodstream. Or maybe someone just wanted to make sure that you had the absolute wildest spring break imaginable, all I know is that if there isn’t at least contemplation of third party debauchery at some point, you did Spring Break wrong.

Somebody will…Awkwardly sit in silence on the airplane home next to a boy she used to sleep with but no longer talks to, because things ended HORRIBLY since she accidentally called him by her ex-boyfriend’s name and he accidentally stopped calling her after that happened and was, maybe still is, under the impression that she started a campus-wide rumor about him after they abruptly ended, even though she totally didn’t but the unfortunate timing suggests otherwise.
Ok, perhaaaaps this is a little specific. You might sit diagonally behind him and not next to him. And if you just so happen to watch the movie that’s playing on his laptop because you’re just that close and it’s in your direct line of vision, so be it. When this happens, it will be awkward. You will for a brief moment wish you were still talking because this is probably a pretty bitchin’ time to try to join the mile high club. You will then try to break the plane window, jump through it, and plummet to your death. You will tell everyone you know, so will he. Your friends will laugh at you and the joke that is the situation for years to come because it’s amazing how you never run into him at school, but there he is on your fucking layover flight back to school. Luckily, that definitely never happened to me. And luckily, when it did, at least I was tan.
But on a more relatable note…even though you’re not at school, everyone you know is also on SB and a huge number of them chose PCB as their destination, just like you did. The likelihood of you running into someone you know is high. So stay classy, kind of.

Somebody will…Fall in love.
Warm weather, and carefree attitudes are obviously a recipe for an incredible time, but what you don’t expect, is that when you’re on vacation, someone will probably fall in love. Not like, love love…I mean, you only know this person for a week, but still, it always seems to happen. Since, you’re in absolute rare form, and you literally sport a TFTC attitude for this one singular week of the entire year, you have become infinitely cooler and even more desirable to guys than you already were. You have somehow found in yourself that rare breed of sorority girl who is both super hot, and dare I say it, low-maintenance. You somehow end up spending your entire week with him and his friends, and by the end of it, you’re actually really sad to say goodbye. When you get back, you find yourself constantly reflecting on your time together, wondering why guys like that don’t exist at school, and trying to figure out if there is a way to successfully airlift him to your formal. There isn’t. And even though he actually makes the offer to road trip across the country to see you again, you eventually come to your senses and realize it would never be the same. Maybe you were never in love with him at all. In fact, you know you weren’t. You were just in love with Spring Break.

Email this to a friend

Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

18 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More