Let’s be honest we’re all either on Tinder, in denial that we need Tinder, or wifed up (congratulations…we swear we’re happy for you and not bitter at all). If you’re a member of that last group, or are a freshman who still believes that a genuine connection is needed for an orgasm, then this article is just not for you. Oh, and for those freshmen, just want to let you know you could basically be characters out of a Nicolas Sparks book and an orgasm would still be HIGHLY unlikely (sad, but true). If you’re like the other 95% of the college girl population that fall under the first two categories: WELCOME!
So you’ve finally realized that you’re not getting back with your high school boyfriend, or your left eye is starting to twitch from lack of…exercise, and you’ve made a Tinder. Sadly, though, you’re being a picky bitch and only swiping right on Channing Tatum looking guys, so your match count is low. You’ve come to the right place. Let me help you out girl.
Profile
This is the most important part to yanking that sex life out of hibernation and there are only a few rules. Let’s start with pictures: the general rule of thumb is that if it looks 80% like you then you’re good to post. While this offers you some leeway, this doesn’t mean that you are allowed to post any pictures with Snapchat filters. Yes, we all look better as puppies, but this just leads these men to believe you look like an Instagram model when in reality most of us look like the girls who used to rap in Education Connection commercials. Further, if you’re one of those bomb makeup artists who defies everything I know about what the human face is capable of — post at least a photo or two with a “natural” look. This is for your own good, mainly, because you don’t want to have to do the whole nine every time you’re trying to make a dick appointment.
Once you have about three good selfies, make sure you find a full body pic that extenuates your shape. It doesn’t have to be perfect, because once you’ve removed your clothing in real life, he isn’t leaving, but it should show off your general figure. Do. Not. Over-Facetune. You don’t want some dude swiping the wrong way on you because you skinnied yourself up and he prefers curves, or because you made yourself look thicc and he likes ’em modelesque. You want a dude who is actually attracted to your real body type. Fucking duh.
Bio
Keep it short and sweet, because to be frank, your bio is barely being read. While guys include things such as height, weight, aspirations, major (automatically swipe left if he includes his minor), and overall level of douchiness, girls should go for something simple. Don’t start typing a paragraph about how you’re looking for someone consistent, who you can become genuine friends with because honestly, honey, Chad from Pike doesn’t care. Make your bio light and funny, one sentence, something that says “come hither” without saying “NEED SEX NOW! GIMME YO PIPI.” Honestly don’t stress it, the boys on Tinder are just as superficial as you are and mostly care about looks.
Now that your profile is no longer screaming “STAGE 5 CLINGER,” the swipes should be flowin’ in and if not don’t stress it cause at the end of the day, guys ain’t nothing but dicks and tricks..
Nice Move119
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