It happens to all of us at times. There’s that guy you’ve been out with a few times who’s really into you, and maybe you think he’s sweet but he isn’t really your type. Then, you manage to get drunk and slip and fall onto his dick. The morning after this features you sliding out of his bed an inch at a time so he doesn’t wake up, sprinting out his front door still carrying your bra, and then deleting his number and praying you don’t run into him at the bars for at least a month. It’s awkward, but not life-ruining. Shit happens. Sometimes you wake up in a strange bed on a Wednesday morning with tequila in your hair, and that’s fine. Healthy, even. I’m no doctor, but whatever.
The really bad version of this is when you are not drunk, and you intentionally sleep with a guy that you’re on the fence about. This exact scenario has to be the result of 89% of all the bad sex stories that exist in this world, and it should be avoided at all costs.
If you have chemistry with a person, you know that before you sleep with them (sometimes just seconds before. Yeehaw). If you do not feel like you want to rip your panties off every time he grins at you, don’t fuck him. This is my personal philosophy to avoiding bad and/or boring sex, which I loathe more than hangnails, because it’s so common and so preventable.
I think, honestly, that the ratio of mediocre sex to great sex that girls are having is so terrible, they’re starting to think that mediocre sex is good sex. Mediocre sex is not good sex. Good sex has a lot of different looks, but it’s characterized by that curling-your-toes, I’m-shivering-it’s-so-good-but-I’m-not-cold feeling. Mediocre sex is when you forget that he’s still on top of you halfway through and get up to grab a snack and break his nose with your forehead. Good sex will give you that little tingle when you’re thinking about it three days later. Mediocre sex is so boring that you won’t even be able to remember anything about it besides the tile formation on his ceiling, which you counted to entertain yourself.
Sometimes bad sex just happens despite our best intentions, and that’s shitty, but it’s an acceptable shitty. You thought it was going to be great, and it wasn’t. In my experience, that’s rare, but it happens. What shouldn’t happen is the kind of sex where your friends go “so, how was it?” and you shrug and keep sipping your iced coffee. As if the entire debacle were so “whatever” that you don’t even have the energy to go into all the stupid, mundane details.
How does one avoid this? How do you stop having boring, dumb sex with boys you aren’t really into?
You should feel like you will die, like shrivel up and die, if you do not get to fuck this guy. Those are the boys you sleep with at all costs. Think of what you would lay on the line just for the magical fucking pleasure of seeing him naked. There shouldn’t be any hesitation. Every time you see him it should be like a shot of lightning goes right to your clit. Maybe you meet this type of guy three times in your life. Maybe this happens to you a hundred times per year, in which case, that’s fucking great. You’re out there getting yours, and I respect that. But for the love of God, know where your inner attractive-meter lies. Stop sleeping with guys that you know deep down you are not sexually attracted to. Sleeping with him is not going to flip that magical switch and convince you that you think he’s hot after all. Either you’re into him, or you aren’t, and it’s time we stopped blurring that line for the sake of our vaginas..
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Shannon Layne
My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com
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