For some reason, sharks are going fucking nuts recently. It’s an absolute frenzy out there, and no one knows why. Maybe they’ve given up on their collective motto of “Humans are friends, not food.” Maybe it’s some type of organized revolt on the fact that China kills over 100 million of them every year for sharky nom noms. Most likely, though, shark attacks are on the rise simply because the universe is dying for videos like this, where one Facebook user embarks her wise wisdom on how to actively avoid getting eaten by a shark, to surface (no pun intended).
Let’s dissect some of this woman’s most important and well-informed messages.
- “You going to the beach, do that. Go to the beach. Don’t go into the ocean, okay? The ocean is the shark’s house.”
Starting off on a great point. Listen up, North Carolina. - “My whole body is a flotation device. I don’t have to do nothing to float.”
Not really advice, but this needed to be included. - “The shark has the right to eat you up when you in his house.”
Damn straight he does. - “When chickens come in my house, guess what? They get ate. When pigs come in my house, they on the plate.”
Astute observation, I think we all can concur. Bonus points for unintentional rhyming. - “Stay out the woods, too. Don’t go fooling ’round with the bears, neither. The bears will eat you up. That’s what they supposed to do, cause you in they house.”
Good Lord, this woman is absolutely overflowing with knowledge on all things wildlife. - “Can you imagine how excited a shark would be to see me? Layin’ up on the plate in his house? Oh, Jesus, oh Lawd, no.”
I would imagine that he would be pretty pleased, yes. - “Be safe, be happy, be fat, whatever. Meat is on your bones, rejoice in it today.”
You too, wise one. You too.
I’m just gonna say it: This woman is a fucking genius, and I want to be her friend. Leave it to a soulful church-goer to put us all in our place and drop a hot platter of knowledge all over the internet.
Really though, this isn’t bad advice. It’s an absolute fool-proof method of avoiding losing a limb to a shark, and people don’t seem to be as wary of sharks as they should be. Statistically, shark attacks are really rare, but they can still happen. You always see really inspirational interviews of surfers who lost an arm to a great white, and for some reason, these survivors are really eager to get back in the water. Just once I’d like to see a leg-less surfer pick up on this tidbit of advice and admit to a camera, “Uh, yeah, probs gonna stay out of the ocean from now on.”
Either way, I can’t wait until the Discover Channel picks up on this shit. Shark Week is about to get a whole lot more interesting..
[via BuzzFeed]
Image via YouTube
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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