The time after graduation is a difficult time for seniors, especially those who graduated without a job (seriously, cut them some slack). The job hunting process is stressful and panic inducing and if you’re anything like me, you’ll find yourself questioning your worth, professional and otherwise, on an almost daily basis. With each rejection letter you’ll sink into a darker and darker hole, convincing yourself that despite what everyone told you, you are in fact unemployable and worse yet, a failure.
But then, a ray of hope appears. Some poor, senseless soul decided to take a chance on you and bless you with the opportunity to interview. You immediately Glassdoor the shit out of the company, rehearsing answers to potential interview questions, agonizing over the perfect business professional outfit, and studying the recent news announcements for the company all in hopes of wowing the interviewer and saving yourself from a life of camping out in your parents’ basement with an alarming large collection of cats.
The wait after the interview is the by far the worst. On your drive home you’ll find yourself going over every answer to every question in your head, over-analyzing everything. You’ll cringe at the thought of the one time you accidentally used ‘like’ in your answer knowing full well that the company has no interest in hiring a brain-dead valley girl who can hardly articulate responses in an adult manner. The longer you wait to hear from them, the more critical you become – your skirt was too tight, your GPA was too low, your nail polish wasn’t neutral enough, your extracurriculars aren’t impressive enough.
But as with all things, it will come to an end. Your period of unemployment is not forever and while some will be longer than others, eventually someone will hire you. And when that magical day finally happens, the situation probably unfolds a little something like this:
*checks phone and sees missed call and voicemail from the company you just interviewed at.*
Oh fuck, they finally called me back.
What if they called to hire me but because I missed the call they decided I’m unreliable and are going to give the position to someone else?
A call means something good, right? If they didn’t want me, wouldn’t they just email me that I didn’t get it?
Shit, I need a drink to listen to the voicemail that may make or break my life. Or at the very least, my immediate future.
*listens to standard voicemail asking you to call [insert recruiter’s name] back when you get this*
Alright, calm down. They want me to call them back, that’s all.
This moment right now is like Schroedinger’s cat; the cat can be either dead or alive but you won’t know until you open the box. I can either have the job or not, but I won’t know until I call them back.
Fuck it. Let’s get this over with.
Win or lose, I still booze after this.
*calls recruiter and he picks up on the third ring*
Recruiter: [Company Name], this is [recruiter’s name] speaking. How can I help you?
You: Hi, this is [Your Name] returning your call from earlier this afternoon.
Recruiter: Yes, hello Ms. [Last Name]. Thank you for calling back so quickly. I just wanted to touch base with you following your interview…
Touch base? Is that a good thing or bad thing?
Recruiter: … last week and see where you are in regards to the other interviews…
Other interviews? Oh that’s right, I lied and told them I was also interviewing at other companies in hopes of giving them the impression that I was a desirable candidate. Fuck it, I got to commit to the story now.
Recruiter: … you mentioned you had scheduled last we spoke.
You: Yes, that’s right. I’ve completed all my interviews and am currently waiting to hear from the other companies.
Waiting to hear from the non-existent companies, that is.
Recruiter: I don’t mean to pry, but I’m just wondering, do you have any current offers pending…
In my mind, I have offers to be the CEO of Fortune 500 companies with a seven figure salary but with little to no work requirement. In reality, I have no offers. Mostly because I lied and never even got an interview anywhere else, but you don’t need to know that, do you?
Recruiter: …from any of the other companies you interviewed with?
You: I don’t have any explicit job offers pending at this moment, but I am still waiting to hear from a few of the companies.
Does that make it seem like any other companies want me or can he see through my bullshit?
Recruiter: Okay, great. Well I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been in discussions with [Interviewer One] and [Interviewer Two]…
Please, please, please let this be good news…
Recruiter: … and they were very impressed with you…
That’s because I’m an impressive mother fucker.
Recruiter: … and we would love to bring you on board as our newest [position you applied for].
MOTHER FUCKER YAAASSSSSS!!!!
I can’t wait to tell my parents I’m not a failure.
And drink. Of course I need to drink to celebrate.
You: Thank you so much. I’m very interested in accepting a position at [company name], pending, of course, reviewing a contract.
What I actually mean is that there is no way in hell I am turning down this job, especially considering this is the only lead I’ve gotten in months, but I don’t want to be too eager and have you all low ball me on the salary. But I have every intention of accepting this job.
Recruiter: Fantastic. We were looking to aim for a late July/early August start date…
Cheers to one last summer, cunts.
Recruiter: … if that works well for you?
You: That should be more than fine.
More like perfect. I can’t wait to be drunk every god damn day.
Recruiter: Sounds good. I’ll send a contract over and we’ll look to get something in writing next week. As [HR Lady] explained, this is of course contingent upon you passing a background check and drug test…
Thank God I stopped smoking months ago and Addy only stays in your system for a few days…
Recruiter: … which I don’t think should be a problem.
You: That’s not a problem at all.
Recruiter: Okay, good. Let’s try to get you in office next week, you can email me your availability, and we can get this is writing…
Holy shit, so official. I guess this is what being an adult is like
Recruiter: … Have a great evening Ms. [Last Name] and we’ll see you next.
You: You as well. See you next week.
I can’t believe I actually got hired. This is literally the best day of my life
And just like that, you have a job. Congrats bitches, maybe we all aren’t as big of fuck ups as our drinking habits would lead others to believe. Now we can finally call ourselves productive members of society..