Study Confirms What We All Already Knew: American Men Have Little Penises

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I tried to think of an opening joke, but I couldn’t. My head was too clouded with images of gigantic genitalia to be funny. Think Jonah Hill in “Superbad.” Dicks. Just dicks everywhere. And I can’t help it. After looking at a study released in 2012 about the average penis size of men across the world, how could dicks not be on my brain? I mean, better there than in my mouth, amirite?

So, I’m going to present the following photo without comment. And then I’m going to comment a LOT. Because, ya know, #maturity.


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First and foremost: hello gentlemen of Central Africa. Seriously, if it weren’t for that whole Ebola unfortunateness, I would be on the first plane over. Godspeed with your recovery, by the way. Your women need you. Literally. If all of you XXL penis-ed men died, your ladies would never be able to have sex again. Or, rather, they wouldn’t want to. I’m assuming the age-old saying is pretty accurate: once you have 7.1 inches inside of you, you tell everyone else to go fuck themselves. Get it? Masturbation joke.

Second: let’s chat circumcision. Boys in Europe and boys in America tend to be pretty similar, save for one thing: foreskin. American mamas, let’s stop the snipping. You’re taking away the goodness for the rest of us.

Third: North Korea. LOL. Now I understand why Kim Jung-un is such a dick. Pun intended.

[via Instinct Magazine]

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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