Suri Cruise Starts a Frenzy in the First Grade

I don’t think it’s any secret I’m absolutely OBSESSED with Suri Cruise. She’s so stylish, she has perfect skin, and she’s stayed in the Cinderella suite in Magic Kingdom like a million times. I don’t care if she’s 6, that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be her when I grow up. Also, now that her gay dad and her mom have gotten divorced, she now gets two Christmases, which I’m sure is the equivalent of about 1,000 regular ones. Bitch.

Anyway, as a result of the TomKat divorce, Suri is now allowed to be educated in a real school, not the creepy Scientology home school her father had previously mandated. Of course, Suri is enrolled at Avenues, NYC’s newest private school, where she will start next week.

Even though school isn’t even in session yet, Avenues parents are already up in a frenzy about how much paparazzi will be all over the school’s grounds awaiting Suri’s arrival for her first day of class. Of course they are. Suri Cruise is the most photographed child in the world. Apparently, two parents have already called the school “fearing” their daughters who slightly resemble Suri might be photographed instead. I’m sure. Obviously, everyone is already obsessed with Suri, and they’re trying to figure out ways to get their own daughters famous by association.

I think Suri Cruise is going to be one of the best Hollywood child star train wreck stories to ever watch. I predict her life will go one of two ways: a) she will continue her life a la Blair Waldorf, and receive an Ivy League education (instead of NYU), and start her own fashion line, or b) she will turn 12 and become Serena van der Woodsen, attend a big state school (instead of taking a year off), party like crazy, and become a hot mess for a few years before she settles into her own trust fund and starts her own fashion line.

Anyway, if people are in such a frenzy over her going to first grade, I strongly advise every chapter, everywhere, to write a bid for her and spend the next few years dirty rushing the shit out of her. Screw the rules. This little girl is the definition of TSM. Plus, don’t you want your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand little to have a fabulous closet to borrow clothes from?


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