Tampa Socialite Sues FBI And DOD Because She’s A Homewrecker

Jill Kelley, everyone’s favorite love-to-hate, slutty whistleblower, has dropped a lawsuit on both the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Department of Defense. Kelley gained “unwanted” notoriety this past November when she exposed beloved American hero, Four Star Army General David Petraeus’ affair with writer Paula Broadwell.

Jill Kelley is new money at its finest (or should that be at its worst?). She was born in Philadelphia to working class parents and clawed her way up to the top of the social ladder. Kelley married a surgeon and relocated to Tampa, Florida. She appears to have been a bored housewife with a very strong addiction to Botox. With likely no marketable skills no need to work, she found other ways to occupy her lonely days. Reports indicate that Kelley had a desire to give back to the military community and so she began throwing caviar and cigar parties for the military elite. You know, because the grunts at war in Afghanistan definitely received the benefits of a caviar and cigar party in Tampa, Florida. (Also, fun fact: she and her husband are in debt, so no one knows how she was funding her soirees.)

It was at one of these infamous parties that she met General Petraeus. Arguably one of the most decorated men in the military, Petraeus fought in countless wars, held command in war-torn countries, and had a military service record of over thirty-seven years.

For reasons most people will never understand, Kelley and Petraeus became…friendly. They exchanged flirtatious emails, even though they were both married to other people. The relationship between the two was such that while Petraeus’ wife had no idea what was going on, his mistress, Paula Broadwell, did. Girlfriend didn’t like it.

In a more political, less rabbit-killing way, Broadwell (who was also married and just happened to have written General Petraeus’ biography) pulled a Fatal Attraction and decided she wanted Jill Kelley out of the picture. So, she created a fake email address…you know, because they’re untraceable and all…and started emailing Kelley to back the fuck off.

If we’ve learned anything it is that Jill Kelley is an attention whore and pretty much sucks a lot of (highly ranked) dick, so it should come as no surprise that she complained to the FBI over these emails. The average ninth grade girl probably sends and receives upwards of a dozen harassing messages a day, but forty-year-old Kelley? She couldn’t handle it and had to get the Federal Bureau of Investigation involved because they clearly had nothing better to do.

Long story short, Kelley’s incessant whining to the FBI and Department of Defense resulted in a full-fledged investigation on herself and General Petraeus, who at that point was Director of the CIA. The investigation found that not only was Kelley virtually slutting it up with Petreaus, but she was sending skanky emails to General John Allen as well. More importantly, the investigation uncovered Petraeus’ affair with Paula Broadwell, which went down while he was serving in Afghanistan and she was in the country interviewing him for her book.

Had this been discovered in real time, General Petraeus could have been Court Martialed. Adultery falls under Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, which states: “all conduct of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces, and crimes and offenses not capital…shall be punished at the discretion of that court.” In other words, cheating is a prosecutable offense in the military. (Be careful out there, soldiers.) Though Petraeus was no longer in the military, the news of the affair still went viral. Mere days after the story leaked, he resigned as the Director of the CIA.

Look, I’m not condoning cheating — it’s wrong, it’s fucked, I get it — but had Jill Kelley put on her big girl panties and simply ignored the emails from a person who was obviously fucking Petraeus, this scandal could’ve been avoided. That being said, I think it’s abundantly clear that she brought this to light in a desperate attempt at fame, despite dragging General Petraeus’ name through the mud while doing so. The man served our country for thirty-seven years, I think he deserves a little slack. Stellar husband? Eh, maybe not. American hero? Absolutely. So excuse me while I pout in the corner because a desperate housewife brought him down.

After ruining the reputation and career of a Four Star General, as well as bringing shame on her own family, Kelley didn’t go into seclusion. (Well obviously, because that would’ve taken away from her fifteen minutes.) Instead, she’s been championing for an improvement on privacy and security, stating: “Until our privacy laws give us both privacy and protection, I’ll continue to be an advocate for reform, so others don’t have to go through the challenges my friends and family endured.” This is not ridiculous in any way because it definitely was not Kelley who demanded an investigation on herself. Oh…wait.

Her ludicrous plight and psychotic sense of self-importance hit an all-time high (low?) this week when she announced plans to fucking sue the FBI and DOD, because you know, that is something that normal people do. In perhaps the most unnerving news, according to court documents, the crazy bitch actually has a chance of winning. Fame whores: 1. Legal System: 0.

[via Politico]

Image via Politico


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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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