I’ve never really been attracted to Taylor Swift. She’s pretty, to be sure, and she cranks out invasively catchy hits at a ridiculous pace, but for some reason she just never really made my dingle tingle. She never put any lead in my pencil. Well, I just watched the music video for her latest single, “Blank Space,” and that shit changed everything.
Holy hell. Those luscious red lips. That intensity in her eyes. In 4 minutes and 32 seconds, she went from ditzy teenybopper to terrifyingly arousing woman, and I suddenly want her to cut Regina George-style nipple holes in all my oxfords and drop my humorously large iPhone 6 Plus right into a fountain. I want to buy a Shelby Cobra just so I can watch her destroy it with my 9-iron, preferably in super slow motion and wearing an outfit that exposes as much skin as possible while still remaining classy.
“Why though?” I ask myself out loud. “You’ve seen her never-ending legs, catlike eyes, and generally flirty demeanor before, so what makes the music video for ‘Blank Space’ so special?” After much deliberation, I’ve come to a simple conclusion: it’s special because she’s acting like a fucking psycho, and crazy can be really, really hot.
For the same reason that girls are attracted to bad boys, guys are attracted to crazy girls. “Cause you know I love the players, and you love the game,” as Taylor so eloquently puts it. Danger is sexy. Naughty is hot. The ever-looming possibility of a psychotic breakdown is somehow exciting. That shit really keeps you on your toes. We’re human, and we inherently want what we can’t have, or what we know we shouldn’t have. It’s sick. For the same reason you want to try cigarettes after every single one of your teachers tells you smoking is bad, you want to try the bad girl after your mom warns you about her repeatedly. It all goes back to sex, of course. When a guy meets a girl with that wildly unstable look in her eye, his first thought is “I bet she fucks like an untamed stallion.”
Clearly, Taylor Swift is wild in bed. There’s random wildlife scattered throughout her home, for crying out loud. Kittens. Horses. There’s a fucking deer just wandering around. She’s having a total meltdown by the fireplace and this deer is just standing there like, “Maybe, if I remain as still as possible, this crazy bitch won’t see me and rip my beating heart out with her bare hands.”
Look at that face! Damn, that’s hot.
In all seriousness, the “I know I shouldn’t be into this crazy girl, but I am” phase is something you should grow out of as you mature. Don’t let one awesome Taylor Swift music video fool you into thinking that being “crazy girl hot” pays off long term. It doesn’t. It’s not cool to be insane, scaring off underwear models and replacing them with other underwear models like it’s no big deal. Just because I was fully erect from around the 1:45 mark of this video until the end doesn’t make it okay.
I guarantee “Gone Girl” is in Taylor Swift’s top 5. Your odds of being murdered mid-coitus increase exponentially when you enter a relationship with her. Fortunately, she can’t swing a golf club or an axe for shit, but, unfortunately, she does appear to have the whole “stabbing” thing down. In closing, you should always be slightly afraid of the girl you’re dating, in my opinion, but there’s obviously a line. Never go full crazy. Everybody knows you never go full crazy.
Anyway, great video. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch it again, and again, and again. .