The other night, in a state of drunken delusion and boredom, I re-downloaded Tinder. I say “re-downloaded” because I have systematically downloaded and deleted the app a solid five times already, but I digress.
As I flipped through the scores of messages my matches had sent me (not being cocky here, I full well realize anyone above a solid three could easily get 60 matches in a day) I realized that the character of each try-hard, sexually frustrated guy directly correlates to his opening line. Here are seven actual Tinder pickups I have received, as well as what I think they say about each douche who sent them.
“Heyyyyy.”
If there is more than one “y” at the end of his “hey,” you can safely assume that as he’s typing this terrible pickup, he’s nodding his head in a creepy manner and imaging you naked in several compromising positions. He’s probably the kind of guy who wears a flat bill to a high end bar and offers to buy sake shots for you and all your friends, but disappears when the bill comes. Hard pass.
“Hey there pretty lady.”
He might think he’s coming off as sweet, but it’s pretty obvious that he’s just copying and pasting this line into every other inbox. This guy can typically have two personalities. The first is a gentleman who genuinely thinks you’re attractive, and the second is a wannabe who has terrible highlights and thinks he’s the coolest thing since sliced bread. Both guys want to nail you.
“Are you from Tennessee?”
Because, ya know, you’re the only 10 he sees. Har har. I can’t tell if these guys are genuinely blind to how bad their pickup lines are, or if they just simply bank on their charming personality to outweigh such a cheesy one-liner. But seriously, this guy probably has a kid, spends his days watching “Jerry Springer,” and eats Funyuns. Sure, he makes me feel better about my life choices, but that doesn’t mean I’m interested in having a conversation with him.
“You’re the marshmallows of my lucky charms.”
This line actually came from the same guy who asked if I was from Tennessee. I guess he decided to try his luck once more when I had the good sense to stop responding the first time. I don’t even know what this one means, but it makes me hungry. So I hate him.
“Are you DTF?”
Yeah, this line seriously happened. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone who you have never met if she wants to touch your genitals. While I can respect it, this is the kind of shit that makes girls wish they were lesbians. I’m genuinely surprised this guy’s profile didn’t include a picture of him flaunting a fanned out display of $20 bills. I guess he spent them all on self tanner.
“Looking for anything in particular for the summer?”
Yes, now that you mention it, I’m looking to be consistently drunk and tan, so unless you own a brewery or a tanning salon, this is a terrible opening statement. I understand that he wants to be direct, but his no-nonsense attitude is kind of intimidating. I get enough pressure about defining my relationships from my mother–I don’t need this shit from a guy who’s name is “Kristopher” with a “K.”
“How do you think dinosaurs had sex?”
I’ll admit, I was intrigued. I probably would have responded if I hadn’t initially overlooked the fact that he was wearing cargo pants in his profile picture. This is not the place for shitty riddles. This is Tinder. This is the place for shitty flirting.
Needless to say, I deleted Tinder again. Life is too short.
Nice Move351
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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