Texting guys is an art. You constantly have to walk the line between desperation and forwardness, cute humor and crude humor, and “I’m playing hard to get” and “I’m actually a bitch.” I would estimate that a good 90 percent of our texts to guys have hidden messages behind them, of which only .2 percent of the male population is smart enough (or sober enough) to decode. So, whether or not you’d like to admit it to yourself, these are the real meanings behind our texts–because in the end, the art of texting is all about mastering the game.
“Hey, what’s up?”: I want something from you, I have a question for you, or I have something huge (and probably bad) to tell you, but I feel too weird just flat out saying it. I’m hoping that starting a meaningless conversation about the weather or how hungover we both are will ease the blow. I really don’t care about “what’s up” or how you’re doing, and I feel just as awkward starting this “conversation” as you probably do when you realize you’re receiving a sober text from me.
“Heyy”: I’m trying to be flirty and forward, but not too flirty or forward. I’m hoping the minimalist vibe you get from this text masks the fact that I just spent the past 30 minutes thinking about what to say. I may or may not have written out practice messages in my notes app so the “…” wouldn’t pop up. I want to hook up later, so this is my attempt to “plant the seed” for the rest of the night.
“Heyyyyyyy”: I’m drunk. I just saw my ex with his new girlfriend and last call is in five minutes. Regardless, I have nothing to go home to but Easy Mac. Please answer me.
“Yeahh/Totallly/Absolutelyy/Coool”: I’m trying super hard to make this seem like a typo. I don’t want to sound too serious or come off as overly excited, so using just one extra letter is my attempt to fall between the two. I’m afraid that sounding too serious will make you think I’m not interested, while coming off overly excited will make you think I’m crazy, which I’m totally not. (See, only one “y” there).
“Ok”: I physically don’t have the ability to type anything extra because I’m either driving, on the treadmill, or slowing dying of a hangover.
“Okie”: I’m trying to come off as girly and cute. Please think of me as girly and cute.
“K.”: Hide your balls, I’m out for blood.
“?”: I’m putting this in question form because it means you have to respond. If you don’t, it makes you look like an asshole (which oxymoronically will probably make me double text you later).
2+ “?”: I’m pissed off. If I’m sober, I’m pissed that you’re late. You better hurry your ass up or risk the sexless consequence. If I’m drunk, I’m pissed that you’re not answering me. I don’t care that I’m coming off as crazy right now, even though I’m guaranteed to care in the morning.
“!”: I’m just trying to come off as nice. I don’t think what you’re saying is funny, nor does it excite me in the least.
2+ “!”: I’m a psycho. You should run.
“Haha”: You’re not funny and what you said isn’t funny, but there needs to be something said at the beginning or at the end of this text that fills up space. If I’m responding to you with just this, I really, REALLY want you to stop talking to me.
“Hahaha”: That made me laugh inside my head, and maybe even made me half-smile, but it’s still not worth me publicly acknowledging your comedic talent.
“LOL”: In no way, shape, or form did I laugh out loud.
Thumbs Up Emoji: Cool story, bro.
Half Frowny Face Emoji: I am turning you down but I don’t want it to weigh heavily on my conscience. I’m hoping this makes up for it.
Winky Face/Blushing Emoji/Angel: I want my text to come off as flirty. Just using words makes it look naked, so I’m throwing in one of these.
No Answer: I’m either mad at you, frustrated with you, don’t feel like responding, or can’t think of something creative to say. That, or I could be playing hard to get, I genuinely forgot to respond, or I’m waiting to text you later. It could also be that I’m in the middle of crafting the perfect response, or I’m testing you to see if you’ll double text me. In reality, it’s probably more than one of these–possibly all of them. Whatever, though. If you’re really into me, you’ll be able to read my mind.
Nice Move722
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Drunk but not in love
(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com
@DrunkNOTinLove
