As the world’s self-proclaimed go-to for all things white girl basic, there are certain standards I set for myself. I drink four to six pumpkin spice lattes a week, I have a carefully organized crafting bin, and am currently emerging from my cocoon of suntan oil and booty shorts into the magnanimous butterfly that feeds off of scarves, boots, and all things fall. I make it my personal mission to participate in activities that will up my standing as a basic. Festivals? Check. Casual dinner parties? Monthly. Pumpkin patches and apple picking? If you have to ask, you can’t sit with us.
Because I need all of these things documented and out in public for all of my frenemies to view and fume in jealousy over, my Instagram game has been, and will forever remain straight fire. From filters, to calculating prime post times, to a balanced selfie-to-group-pic ratio, you’re a sham of a basic without a good ‘gram game. But I can’t take all of the credit here. Oh no. There are so many people who have made me who I am today, and I’d like to take the time to recognize you for all of the hard work you put into keeping me on top of things.
To my roommates…
Thank you for understanding me like no one else. Thank you for whipping out the burst feature on your iPhones whenever I need 20 options for that game day candid. Thank you for never judging when I purposefully choose a flavor of ice cream that perfectly juxtaposes the downtown backdrop. Thank you for helping me think of captions that make me sound as witty and cool as I think I am. Without you, none of this would be possible.
To all of the brunch waiters…
The smiling vigilantes who put up with my over-sized sunglasses and hungover attitude every Sunday. I’m fully aware that there are six free tables outside, but I need the proper background and lighting for my obligatory brunch post, so I’ll wait an extra thirty minutes for table four. If I don’t get the jazz quartet and hipster aesthetic in the shot, waking up before 11:00am will all be for nothing. In fact, bring me a Bloody Mary to pose with while we wait.
To that one person that always likes/comments on the post…
If my roommates are the backbone of my Instagram game, then you the “always liker” are the lamp that lights my path. I know I can always count on you to like and then immediately comment on my picture. Whether it’s a few fire emojis, or a “yasssssss,” you know I look good, I know I look good, and now that shallow validation is amplified for all the world to see. Not all heroes wear capes.
To the creepers…
The random high school peer you smiled at once in the cafeteria, the acquaintance’s ex-boyfriend, the distant cousin – you know who they are. While your motives for being on my page are questionable, I must take a moment to thank you too. You strange few help bump my likes up when I’m struggling to get a nice rounded number. So I thank you, random creepers, for your lack of shame or self-preservation. You don’t go unnoticed.
It’s a tough world for a girl on the grind, but you all make the lighting struggles and hours of preparation worth it. .
Nice Move140
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Big Heels Bigger Hair
Typical bitch. Lover of red wine. Perfecter of the side eye. I play Broadway show tunes out loud in the gym. My brunch order is Chicken & Waffles.
@twomeyisbomb
@katherine2me
