That Time My Boyfriend Informed Me He Wasn’t Actually My Boyfriend

That Time My Boyfriend Told Me He Wasn't My Boyfriend

“Parks and Recreation” is one of the greatest shows ever. Seriously, if you haven’t binge watched it on Netflix already then you need to get your priorities straight. Every single character on that show has a very special place in my heart. But there is one character that I can really relate to and her name is Ann Perkins. Ann is just like us as she sometimes gets too drunk and says things she regrets or makes unreasonable promises. She has a past of loser boyfriends but she always has the best advice and is always there to save the day. She also tends to get herself into unfavorable situations. An example of this was when she didn’t realize that her boyfriend Chris broke up with her, because of his unique positive attitude, and surprised him with a visit in Indianapolis. Okay, I have to back pedal. The reason she surprised him was because he was acting weird and she thought he was cheating on her. So it was actually more of an ambush than a surprise. Which is totally something I would do, too. So when she called him out for his weird actions, he made it clear that he had broken up with her and she just didn’t gather that from their previous conversation.

Ann and I are very alike in the sense that when we hear things come out of boys’ mouths, we think they mean one thing when really they mean another. Ann’s whole situation reminded me of when I thought a boy was asking me to be his girlfriend, when really he was just drunk and saying anything to get me to hook up with him. Obviously, there is a lot more to this story and hilarity ensues once I figure out my mistake.

It starts out as a tale as old as time. I was talking to a guy and didn’t really know where it was going. It didn’t help that he had mastered the art of mind games. I would hang out with him everyday for a week straight, then not hear from him. When I would hear from him, I’d call him out for turning into a ghost and he’d say some bullshit about being “super busy” causing me to fall right back into his trap. This was a cyclical process that went on for far too long.

My friends knew his antics were driving me up a wall and demanded that I talk to him. So I promised them (and myself, mostly) that the next time I saw him I would be straight and to the point and ask him what direction he saw our relationship going in. I, of course, waited until the worst possible moment to bring this conversation up — when we were hooking up at his house after a night of drinking at the bar.

As you can imagine, I didn’t bring up this DTR (down to relationship) convo in an organic or smooth way. I abruptly halted our sloppy hookup to tell him how much I hated what he was doing to me and didn’t want anything to do with him if he was going to keep this stupid game up. He said I was reading him completely wrong and he really liked me and didn’t want to be with anyone else. He even went to the lengths of saying he had this feeling I was “the one” and didn’t know how to show his feelings in the right way because he’s never liked anyone so much. So after that conversation I assumed we were boyfriend/girlfriend, because I was “the one.” Right? You can imagine the relief I felt and it was the most secure I’d felt in weeks – which I’m obviously not proud to admit.

The next morning I had to attend a student org meeting really early so I left before he woke up. We didn’t get to talk about the night’s events in a sober state, which any warm-blooded human with their sanity intact would have insisted on, because the combination of alcohol and fear of blue balls obviously made it highly likely that our conversation might not have been one hundred percent factual. Before I even made it home, I had already filled my best friends in on what had happened and I let them know I was officially wifed up. Keep in mind, this happened a few centuries ago when Facebook was in its early stages, dinosaurs were roaming the Earth and it was still cool to update statuses and, more importantly, relationship statuses. So I changed my relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship.” I got an astronomical amount of likes and comments on the update but was shocked when Facebook notified me that he had rejected my relationship request. I immediately texted him “WTF” and he told me to come over.

He admitted that he was much drunker than he had realized and couldn’t remember exactly what he had said to me. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know what to do with myself because this was a first for me. He also couldn’t stop laughing about the situation and, to make matters worse, showed me the additional “WTF” texts he received that morning from the other girls he was hooking up with. Yes, you read that right, not just one but multiple girls. I was so humiliated that I stormed out of his house. My situation only got worse.

In my state of rage, I completely forgot that it was negative degrees outside and everything was covered in ice. So the second I started stomping down the stairs leading to the sidewalk of his apartment complex, I hit a patch of black ice and completely fell down the entire flight of stairs. I not only ripped my favorite pair of jeans but my hands and knees were bleeding so badly I couldn’t make it home. I begrudgingly went back up to his apartment and asked for a ride. I am not one to cry but everything just happened so quickly that I couldn’t keep it together and burst into tears when he opened the door. Looking back, the part I think I was most upset about were the holes in my jeans. He agreed to give me a ride but didn’t stop laughing at me the whole way home. I immediately deactivated my Facebook (for a week) and have not made a status since. Safe to say, I learned my lesson the absolute worst way possible and now take everything a guy says to me with a grain (or bucket) of salt.

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Just a smart blonde keeping her standards as high as her red bottomed heels. Go big or go home.

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