And on the seventh day, He created social media and said, “Don’t abuse this power, you morons.” But, of course, we didn’t listen.
1. Thou shalt not pretend to be wiser than thou art.
I’m looking at you, people who post things like, “I hope one day our generation grows up and realizes there’s more to life than getting wasted every weekend.” What exactly do you think our parents were doing when they were in their twenties? Of course we know there’s more to life than getting wasted every weekend — who the hell waits until the weekend to get wasted? It’s like you’ve never heard of Wine Wednesday or Thirsty Thursday.
2. Thou shalt not vaguebook or subtweet.
There is nothing more annoying than logging onto Facebook and seeing a status that says, “Having the worst day ever. Can’t believe this is happening to me.” Yet, when someone asks what happened, that person gets the age-old, “I don’t want to talk about it.” If you don’t want to talk about it, don’t post it online. And there’s nothing more obnoxious than subtweeting. You know that person is going to see it, you know she’s going to know it’s about her, and you know it’s going to start drama. Can you just not?
3. Thou shalt not post thy drama.
I’ll admit that I love watching people fight via social media, but if you’re blasting your boyfriend every day, don’t be surprised when people start to believe he’s a total scumbag. Nobody needs to know that he forgot to call you and you got into the biggest fight of your life. Keep it private.
4. Thou shalt not fall in love in two weeks.
This one deserves a qualifier: I understand that if you’ve been talking for eight months and you just started dating, things are different. But if you met a month ago and started dating a week ago, pleeeeease refrain from posting paragraphs about how much you love your significant other. Maybe I’m heartless (read: a total bitch) but nothing gives me more pleasure than watching those couples break up two weeks later.
5. Thou shalt not #MCM thy boyfriend every week.
We all get it. You think your boyfriend is HOT. The rest of the world probably begs to differ, though, and after week 200 of reading about how much you love him, we’re kind of tired of it. I’ve been guilty of this before, so I understand your thought process, but I promise that no one but you cares at all. Not a single person. Not even one. Literally no one. Not your mom, not your best friend, no one.
6. Thou shalt not post Timehop pictures every day.
We saw it the first time. If we didn’t like it then, we won’t like it now. Leave the past in the past. I literally could not care less that five years ago today, you and a girl you don’t even talk to anymore did something completely mundane that probably didn’t deserve to be documented to begin with. It literally contributes nothing to the online world, and your caption of, “OMG I MISS THIS GIRL SOOOOOOO MUCH” is a lie. We all know it.
7. Thou shalt not talk about thy ex.
You broke up and it sucks, but please just go about your life pretending that your ex doesn’t exist like a normal person. There’s nothing more pathetic than someone who feels the need to talk about her ex constantly, especially when she and her ex broke up awhile ago. Move on with your life.
8. Thou shalt not tell people to unfriend you.
When someone says, “if you don’t like what I have to say, unfollow/unfriend me,” I feel like it would be rude NOT to listen to her and get her the hell out of my life and off of my social media. Your political, religious, or personal opinions aren’t really relevant to how I live my life, so I feel no shame and definitely no guilt by taking you off my friends list.
9. Thou shalt not force people to like thy posts.
Seriously. We love you, and eventually we will all probably like your post, but nothing makes me want to like a post LESS than being told to like it. Are you that insecure? Like, if your picture doesn’t get eleven likes in five minutes, is it really that big of a deal? It’s not the end of the world.
10. Thou shalt share this TSM column with everyone.
Please, please for the love of all that is good in the world, show this to all of your friends who are violating the Ten Commandments of Social Media. Make the online world a brighter place for everyone..