The internet is littered with lists filled with the 50 Sexiest Men of 2014 and the hottest guys in Hollywood month after month, and I’m going to be honest: while we may gush over Ryan Gosling and coo with one another while watching Zac Efron do anything, sex appeal is just not what gets the ladies going. Sure, it’s nice to look at a rocking set of abs, but I have the numbers to back this up. TFM posts its Instagram Babe of the Day and it’s like the internet momentarily stops. There is nothing but “Sarah from Oklahoma” for the next three and a half minutes. When TSM posts about hot guys with puppies, then sure, you’ll take a peak, but it’s not the pure, disgusting obsession that men have with the female form. The fact of the matter is when women are faced with that kind of hot, we’re intimidated. For every Joe Manganiello and Channing Tatum, there’s a Sofia Vergara and Jenna Dewan Tatum who make us not want to even go near them. What really gets us going, though, is their personalities–actually. So without further ado, these are not the most bangable, but the most dateable men in Hollywood.
10. Jimmy Fallon
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Fallon is just goofy enough that his appearance is not the first, second, or third thing you notice about him. But…he’s kind of cute. You are almost embarrassed to say you think so out loud. But he’s kind of cute. And then, while watching hilarious YouTube clip after hilarious YouTube clip and falling in love with his bromance with JT–a bromance that may even rival that of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon–you catch yourself saying it: “I love you, Jimmy.” You start to backtrack. “I mean, not like that. I don’t love you, love you. You know, I love you like a friend. Or a celebrity. Just the normal amount of love that I’m supposed to love you.” And then he kisses you, and then you’re dating Jimmy Fallon, and you’re part of the greatest relationship you never knew you wanted. Jessica Biel calls you to decide what she needs to bring to your holiday party. Jennifer Lawrence wants to hang. And your life is good for the rest of ever.
9. Jason Segel
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You tried not to love him, but as Marshall Erikson would say, Jason Segel is just delightful. He’s not the guy you’re making eyes with at the bar, but he’s absolutely the one you want to cuddle with on the couch. He’s like your own life-size teddy bear, and you just want to snuggle the absolute shit out of him.
8. Christopher Meloni
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So, Detective Stabler may be old enough to be your dad, but maybe that’s why you’re so attracted to him in some sick way that you should consult with your therapist about. He just feels like the kind of guy who can totally protect you. And he seems like a good dad, which gets the ovaries going.
7. Vince Vaughn
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What is it about Vince Vaughn? Is he hot? Does his fast talking make you wonder what else he can do with those lips? Is it just the fact that at 6-foot-5, he’s probably hung like a horse? These are questions you will probably never have answered, but after repeatedly trying to hide your lady wood for Vaughn, you’ve concluded that it doesn’t even matter, because you would date him so hard, he might black out for a minute. You might, too.
6. Chris Messina
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Maybe it’s just because Mindy Kaling is the ONLY right answer when someone asks who your spirit animal is, and she speaks to your soul so clearly that you couldn’t ask for someone to write you a better boyfriend than this creative genius did, but oh my God, Chris Messina. He just seems like the type of total badass who’s the right amount of jealous, the right amount of man, and the right amount of “knows when to back the fuck off and let you win.” 10/10 would marry.
5. John Krasinski
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His smirk.
Need I say more?
4. Bradley Cooper
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Bradley Cooper is almost too traditionally good-looking to include on this list. While he’s beautiful, he’s not a “pretty boy” in a douchey way, which is hard to pull off. Plus, he doesn’t strike me as the type of guy who would be a dick to anyone who doesn’t look like Megan Fox. He still seems human, somehow, and not just a celebrity sex symbol. I think I really fell in love, though, when he played a gay man in “Valentine’s Day,” which counterintuitively made him more attractive to me.
3. Matthew Perry
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While time travel is not yet within the realm of possibility, neither is dating any of these people to begin with. With ‘90s Matthew Perry is where I want to be, minus the crippling drug addiction. Anyone who doesn’t want to date the best Friend (who subsequently married the worst Friend) doesn’t know what she’s missing out on. His witty repartee, the bad experience turned good-doing, the fact that he’s kind of hot, but doesn’t really know it–it’s a yes from me.
2. Chris Pratt
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He’s so close to the number one spot, my personal bias is the only thing holding him back. Chris Pratt is just, frankly, adorable. He’s a hilarious guy, a precious father, and the fact that we know just beneath his lovable chub is a washboard set of abs just dying to come out doesn’t hurt one bit.
1. Paul Rudd
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My number one, my favorite, my one true love is and will always be Paul Rudd. He’s the perfect amount of good-looking, not too hot, but definitely easy on the eyes. He’s hilarious, and he hangs out with a good crew who will always keep you laughing. He seems like a good father, and basically he’s just everything a man should be all rolled up into one perfect celebrity human. I would walk over shards of glass if he was standing at the altar down the aisle. Maybe not, but you get the point..
Nice Move528
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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