I’m a firm believer that every woman has a wild side. Even the 4.0 pre-med superstar has danced on the bar and rightfully so. Not to judge everyone and put them in categories buuuut…I can guarantee you’ll find these girls wherever you go this weekend. Or weekday. Slap the bag in a basement and they appear — I haven’t tested that theory yet but I’m sure it’s accurate. Whether you like it or not, everybody plays a role in the fratmosphere.
1. The Drunk Bitch
We’ve all been there. She’s the one who showed up plastered before the party started. Every song is her song and she just “loves this fraternity so effffffinnggg muuchhhhh!” She doesn’t know you but she thinks you’re like, soooo pretttty and you will become her best friend by the end of the night…which is great until she occupies the only bathroom in the house for forty-five minutes to puke up the five Malibu crans that crushed her spirit. She’s a mess but you can’t help but look out for her because she really is the cutest — and she thinks you’re pretty so you have to keep her around.
2. The Frat Rats
These girls are sometimes bigger frat stars than the actual brothers. They know they’re in a basement and they’re some of the few to dress accordingly. These girls are chill as all hell and you can count on them to be your beer pong partner under any circumstance. They’re the friends of the fraternity and no, they aren’t after your boyfriend. They’re the life of the party without even trying and, if you can get over your jealously, they’ll be the coolest girls you know too.
3. The Sweetheart
Okay, so everyone hates her a little…but only because she won the hearts of every fraternal fuckboy in the house. They treat her like a queen. Wish her a happy birthday on IG, thank her for the spaghetti on Twitter, and give her a key to the house. Girls will always bitch about how “she bought their affection with beer and baked goods.” True or not, the brothers adore her and would do anything for this gem. She’s a good friend to have and a wealth of knowledge. Even if you hate her, the brothers love her and you’re irrelevant next to this lady in letters. She’s at the top and she knows it.
4. The Frat Mattress
This girl is a handful. She exceeds the level of “Drunk Bitch” in the absolute worst way — which is unfortunate for any girl with a boyfriend. She came to the house to get messed up and has no plans of walking back to her dorm. She doesn’t respect boundaries. Her tits are definitely out for the boys and this power vixen is on the hunt for dick. She’s slept her way around the house and she’s making a second round, maybe even a third. Regardless, she embraces her reputation and does not give a shit. She’s been in this house a night or thirty and she doesn’t care how much you hate her because your attention is not on her agenda.
5. “My Roommate Made Me Come Out”
She doesn’t want to be here, point blank. Her roommate probably dragged her away from a five hour, bio lab study sesh that seemed more interesting to her than this gathering of Neanderthals. She’s not dressed up, dancing, or even smiling. “What are you drinking, sweetheart?” She’s drinking water, and no Tom, she doesn’t want a shot of Burnett’s. She loves her friends but this really just isn’t her scene for the night and that’s okay. There are a million things more important than grinding on the first dick you can find to “Get Ugly.”
6. Newly Single (re: lonely and desperate for affection)
This girl is here for all of the wrong reasons. She heard Rhianna’s “We Found Love in a Hopeless Place” on her drive home and took it as a sign to take her pursuit to a frat basement. No one falls in love in a frat basement, it just is not possible. The fragrant aroma of spilled liquor and regret, stemming from a dance floor where freshman girls are letting the the entire world see their….assets. She’ll probably end up hooking up with someone who has no idea what he has gotten himself into — she’s the predecessor to The Clingy Hookup.
7. The Clingy Hookup
Not to be confused with the girlfriend, the clingy hookup is sort of the worst. She thinks she’s the only girl her #MCM is taking to pound town (lol) and she thinks she’s “practically a girlfriend.” Her hookup never confirms or denies it so he can proceed to get some ass, but she pisses everyone else off in the process. This is the kind of girl that’ll drink from the ‘brothers only’ keg without permission. Her imaginary high horse is shitting all over the party and yeah, she sucks.
8. “Who do you know here???”
They show up to every party you’ve been to since you’ve pledged. They’re a group that no one knows. Do they even go here? Someone should probably check on that. No one is really sure how these girls even found out about this party but here they are and there’s no stopping them. They’re usually overdressed or in some kind of theme outfit that is too over the top, they stick out like a sore thumb. The worst part is, no one even knows if they’re nice or not because they literally only talk to themselves. They usually show up before the party starts and leave before the music gets good. It’s always a weird time with these gals.
9. The Drama Queen/Mean Girl
This girl likes to talk and she likes attention. Whether she’s spitting shit about another chapter on campus or talking about her own woes, she lets the whole party know her opinion on something before she leaves. She’ll be your best friend in a bathroom but won’t even say hello to you on campus despite having the same class schedule. She’s probably really pretty and people want to be her friend but no one really understands why. Still, she’s a hell of a lot more fun when she’s drinking and you’d take the girl in the bathroom over the girl throwing elbows during Greek week any day.
10. The Serious Girlfriend
This girl did what no others could — she got a guy to commit to a relationship, so basically she’s either a magician or a witch. All joking aside, she’s the most respected girl at the party. The pledges refill her cup and the brothers defend her honor because she’s basically one of them. She has a great sense of humor (because you have to if you hang out with frat boys) and she’ll hook you up if you need to put your stuff in a room. She’ll show up in sweatpants and get twice as much free beer as any freshman girl in heels. She’s one of the most approachable, but she has the power in this house.
No matter where you fit, the most important thing is that we are all just here to party..