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The 11 Types Of Sororities, By Rank

The Middle

The Party Girls
These girls operate more like a fraternity than they do a sorority, because they just DNGAF. They have low attendance at mandatory speakers and other orgs’ philanthropy events unless there’s going to be alcohol involved, and when you emailed their chapter’s president to tell on the girl who was drinking in letters, they kindly told you to fuck off as she got not so much as a warning. They’re the girls who are tailgating Airband instead of rehearsing. They’re the girls who are visibly drunk on Bid Day while the rest of you are trying to hold it together. As a whole, they’re pretty, but they can’t make it to the top tier, because they’re too busy getting fucked up to try. These girls may be called a lot of things, but “boring” is never one of them.

The Good Girls
Unlike the Stepford Wives who, by anyone who’s paying attention, are considered to be a bunch of fake C-bombs, the good girls are actually good. They don’t party much at all, and tend to stay out of Greek drama. There are a bunch of overly Christian members who, frankly, make them a pretty boring house. They’re always “cute,” and never “hot,” and that’s fine by them, because there are a more than a handful of virgins among them. Their GPA is what keeps them from falling into the bottom tier. They often boast the best GPA on campus, giving them first pick in things that matter like Greek Week and recruitment themes. Plus, they represent like half of panhel and SGA, so the people upstairs are looking out.

The Hippies
The girls change over time, but their reputation never does. When I say “hippies,” of course, I mean these are the girls who smoke a lot of weed. They’re usually a lot of hippie JAPs on the east coast, or rich faux hipsters out west. They’re rocking their center parts and flannels, and year-round look like they’re ready for coachella. They stay out of trouble for the most part, because they’re more of a “stay in and chill” bunch. 10/10 have hooked up with a ZBT.

The One You Always Forget About
You know there are nine sororities on campus, but when you’re listing them off, you always come up with eight. This is the sorority you forgot. Every. Damn. Time. They stay under the radar, for the most part. They’re never the subject of a campus scandal, because no one is trying to bring them down. They have a good time, but they don’t go crazy. They’re pretty, but not gorgeous. They don’t really win shit, but they don’t come in last. They’re just very vanilla. But…who knows? Maybe something crazy is going on inside their house.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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