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The 31 Rules Of Bitchy Feminism

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  1. On Wednesdays, we don’t wear pink. We wear whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want.
  2. Drink one glass of water for every glass of alcohol.
  3. Oh, and two tequila shots for every water. It’s math.
  4. You have your cousins, then you have your first cousins. But we’ll hook up with either if they’re hot enough.
  5. When you have the option, always wear wedges. They’re easier than heels but still do wonders for your ass.
  6. Just because your phone says it has 38 percent battery left, it doesn’t mean it won’t die at any second. Don’t trust it.
  7. Boys are cheats and liars. They are a big disgrace.
  8. They will tell you anything to get to second base. Then third. Then all the way.
  9. Then they’ll ask for anal.
  10. Ex-boyfriends are, like, totally off limits. No exceptions.
  11. The best revenge is massive success. Or massive revenge. Both work.
  12. After a break up, delete, block, and move on first.
  13. Or, at least, make it seem like you moved on first.
  14. You can’t wear a tank top two days in a row. Unless you’re Michelle Obama.
  15. You’d obviously pick Aiden over Big. Probably. Maybe.
  16. Keep your friends close and make your enemies your besties.
  17. Don’t buy a skirt without asking your friends if it looks good first. Then buy it anyway when they say it makes you look like a mom. But, like, a cool mom.
  18. Snooping will get you the information, but once you get it, you most likely won’t want it. But we never learn.
  19. White makes you look tanner, no matter how pale you are.
  20. On Fridays you can wear jeans or track pants. Or yoga pants. Or sweatpants. Or, preferably, no pants.
  21. It doesn’t count if you’re drunk.
  22. Unless he messed up when he was drunk. Then it always counts.
  23. You can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week. Messy buns are the exception to the rule. The limit does not exist with how many times you can rock those.
  24. Blondes have more fun.
  25. Unless you’re a brunette. I hear they’re pretty fucking awesome, too.
  26. But if you cut off all of your hair, you just might look like a British man.
  27. Your best friend always looks awesome when she asks.
  28. Act like you’re a bad driver so you never have to drive.
  29. Butter is a carb.
  30. Except when you’re going through a breakup, you just did something really great, or if you’re upset and want mashed potatoes or bread or just, like, raw butter. Then it’s not a carb. It’s a necessity.
  31. No matter what and no matter who is involved, you’ll do what is best for you. Always. Sometimes it might make you lose some fans, and sometimes you might make others unhappy, but in the end, you do you and that’s the true sign of being fabulous. #YouGoGlennCoco
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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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