You were convinced you found Mr. Right, and he ended up being an unhealthy combination of Mr. Right Now and Mr. Wrong, and you’re left with nothing but a broken heart. You’re forced to hide your Spotify account because you don’t want anyone to know how deep into Taylor Swift’s discography you’ve gotten. It’s embarrassing when people notice you’ve listened to “Trouble” 47 times in a row (or so I hear), plus if you listen to too much Taylor, you run the risk of dressing like a hillbilly princess. If you jazz up your breakup playlist, you’ll be ready to rage in no time, and your former gentleman caller will be terrified of you. The world will be back to its rightful order, with you on top.
“Gunpowder and Lead” – Miranda Lambert
Songs about no one loving you can get old, and wouldn’t you rather get even? Plus, why blame yourself when you can blame someone else? This song will remind anyone who decides to mess with you that they’re done for. Post some pictures at the shooting range if you really want to get the point across.
Honorable Mention: “Two Black Cadillacs” – Carrie Underwood
“Die Young” – Ke$ha
Feel better knowing that even in the depths of your sorrow, you don’t look as rough as Ke$ha. Put on your
sluttiest sultriest eye makeup, rock your most flattering outfit, and start drinking (preferably a bottle of Jack). You’ll stop crying once your mascara’s on, anyway, because it’s too expensive to ruin over some asshole boy. In all her hot mess glory, Ke$ha knows the truth: the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.
Honorable Mention: “Your Body” – Christina Aguilera
Payphone- Maroon 5
Shirtless Adam Levine will confirm that you’re better off without your old boy toy. This song will also remind you to turn off your cell phone, because the last thing you want is to text your former gentleman caller “all those fairy tales are full of shit,” when Adam Levine can do it for you. Make sure you get over that attitude, though, because every sorority girl loves a happy ending (not that kind, gross).
Honorable Mention: “Since U Been Gone” – Kelly Clarkson
“Before He Cheats” – Carrie Underwood
Depending on the circumstances of your breakup, this song could be right up your alley, namely, because it confirms your suspicion that the other girl is a huge slut. If keying his car doesn’t sound like the perfect revenge, dream up a flawless scheme of your own. Someone cheating on the smokeshow that is Carrie Underwood shows that cheating is more about him being scummy than you being anything less than stunning. After all, you’re always prettier than your ex’s downgrade.
Honorable Mention: “Mama’s Broken Heart” – Miranda Lambert
“We Found Love” – Rihanna
Rihanna will make you feel better because you’re neither dating Chris Brown, nor covered in hideous tattoos (as far as I know). Wherever you’re headed to lick
your wounds the salt for your tequila is probably a little on the grimier side. After all, getting over a breakup is best done somewhere dirty and drunk. Whether your own personal hopeless place is a fraternity house or the campus bar, hope springs eternal, and rightfully so. Your next boy is always better than your ex boy.
Honorable Mention: “Anything Could Happen” – Ellie Goulding