The 21st birthday. The greatest night you’ll never remember. If we’re being honest with ourselves, 21 is the last big birthday that you actually look forward to. After 21, the rest of your twenties are just birthdays; something to celebrate, yes, but not exactly a huge deal. And then after that you’re 30, and 40, and then 50… who the fuck wants that? Because I am an absolute 21st birthday pro, I’m going to give you the list of five absolutely essential people you need to have at your 21st birthday celebration in order to make it the best it can possibly be.
The Caretaker
The caretaker, otherwise known as the unsung hero. The role of caretaker is usually going to be delegated to a long term boyfriend, a biological sibling, or a roommate. The caretaker’s only job is to keep the birthday girl alive and to try and limit the amount of puke she gets on herself. When out at the bar, the caretaker has the luxury of relaxing and letting the other party goers entertain the newly 21 year old. The caretaker can drink, but not too much because they need to be alert at the end of the night when the birthday girl is three sheets to the wind and needs someone to have a puke bucket at the ready. This is not the most glamorous birthday job, but it’s undoubtedly one of the most important.
The One With Daddy’s Credit Card
This is the bitch you love to hate on a normal day, but just straight up love on a 21st birthday. She’s had unlimited access to daddy’s Amex since she turned 13. While you are normally filled with uncontrollable jealousy over her never ending funds and luxurious shopping sprees, this is the bitch that just keeps putting round after round of shots on her card in honor of the birthday girl, and she doesn’t even mind because she LOVES parties. Maybe she loves being the center of attention because she never got it from her dad, but that’s besides the point. She’s the girl who is asking “Should we do another shot?” every ten minutes. Yes, yes we should do another shot, and by the way, thank your dad for funding our alcoholism for the night.
The Crafter
Contrary to what everyone sorority stereotype says, if your friend group is anything like mine, then not all of your friends are crafty. Not even close. This is where the crafter comes in. There are certain necessary gifts for any 21st, like a shot sign, 21st pimp glass, bedazzled alcohol bottles, and customized birthday shot glass. For the love of Yeezus, if you or your friends aren’t crafty, do the birthday girl a favor and contribute money to the crafter and just let her make everything. It will be beautiful and all have a cohesive color theme, and the 21st birthday princess will love it. As a friend group, know your strengths and weaknesses, and delegate to the parties’ most equipped.
Dancing Queen
If you’re familiar with rap, then the dancing queen is to the 21st birthday what a hype man is to the actual headliner. The dancing queen is the one that in all actuality is probably a fucking terrible dancer, but has zero fucks to give. She will embarrass the shit out of herself, but damn it, she will get everyone up off their ass and onto the dance floor. She’s the girl that will keep everyone entertained just by going up to randoms and drunkenly grinding on them before she runs away. Respect this girl’s drunken enthusiasm and proceed to make an idiot out of yourself with her.
The Designated Driver
Finally, the DD. This is 100% self-explanatory, but needs to be said anyway. Drinking and driving is not only dangerous and expensive, but it is incredibly selfish. Have one of the younger girls in your sorority, like your little, who can’t get into the bars DD for the night. .Don’t be stupid; make sure you have a safe and sober ride home.
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ChampagneShowers
Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com
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