My philosophy about having a Tinder account is that it’s pretty much the same as having an asshole. You can deny having one all you want, but we all know you’re a fucking liar. That being said, there are many different types of Tinder users, the most common of which will be broken down below.
1. The Tinderella
This bitch is looking for her soulmate with every right swipe. If you match with her she won’t be afraid to chat you first and try to set up legitimate first dates that are PG enough to tell your future kids about. Small talk with Tinderella frequently includes conversations about how many kids you want and possible wedding hashtags. Chances are, this girl is a freshman in college or above the age of twenty-five because both age groups are known for acting desperate as fuck when single. Tinderella’s pastimes include laughing at pickup lines from matches even if they are stupid or forcing any Tinder “relationships” to work even when her match is an emo punk rock junkie who responds to the name “Tiny.” She sees each of her Tinder profile pics as a glass slipper and is waiting for the hottest, most whipped guy she can find to fall in love with one. Only for him to later realize that she photoshopped the shit out of all of those pics and that Tinderella herself is actually the evil, manipulative step sister (duh duh duuhh).
2. The “Swipe Right for a Good Time” Girl
This girl is well aware of what the real purpose of Tinder is, and utilizes that purpose to the fullest extent. She’s the girl who responds to messages from matches who are clearly just horny. Her match’s first message might be something along the lines of “wanna fuck?” to which “Swipe Right for a Good Time” Girl always responds “yea.” This girl’s pastimes include things that might actually be illegal to write down. “Swipe Right for a Good Time” Girl’s profile pics may include photos of her in lingerie, bathing suits, rave outfits with fishnet tights as pants, or maybe even just tit pics. This girl’s profile bio should really include a government issued warning saying, “Caution: Do at your own risk.”
3. The Insecure Girl
An extremely large percentage of secret Tinder users fall into this category. This girl uses Tinder often with zero intentions of meeting any her matches in real life. The Insecure Girl is self conscious about her appearance or feels ignored, and seeks attention and validation by random hotties. She might humor the occasional Tinder message convo if and only if it begins with a match messaging her “you’re gorgeous” or the classic heart eyed emoji. This girl’s pastimes include swiping right ONLY when faced with Abercrombie-bag worthy guys who will boost her self confidence if matched. The Insecure Girl usually is only an occasional Tinder user and frequently deletes the app only to reinstall it three days later when she had a bad day. This girl’s profile pics are usually her Facebook profile pics because she wants to know if guys actually think she’s pretty. Some may see this girl as an exploiter of the true purpose of actually meeting people through the app. Whoops.
4. The Date Seeker
Bio: “Looking for a date to *insert top tier frat’s* formal in New Orleans. Willing to paint a cooler”
Enough said.
5. The Tinder Troll
This girls’ Tinder account is fake. First “she” makes a fake Facebook with photos of someone who is Instagram famous or created on Photoshop by professionals. Naturally, every single guy swipes right for this girl. The Tinder Troll’s bio reads something along the lines of “I enjoy drinking beer and watching football in nothing but lingerie. I LOVE making sandwiches, giving blowjobs, and am looking to experiment with anal. I love working out and occasionally model swimwear for Victoria’s Secret.” Sorry to break it to any of you guys reading this, but this “girl” is most likely a bored 15-year-old boy trying to fuck with you for personal entertainment. Rule of thumb with Tinder: If it seems too good to be true, it is.
Now it’s time to ask yourself, which category do you fall into?.
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Blonde_boozy
My life is pretty much one big awkward embarrassing moment. Dream-self is a cross between Amy Schumer and Serena Van der Woodsen. I like LITs a little too much and am standards board's worst nightmare. If you don't party on Tuesdays then what's the point of college..? Feel free to email me funny stories and Memes because I love to laugh and there's a chance I might be able to make you laugh too. [email protected] xo
@blondeboozy
