The Early Bird
She’s very punctual, which on it’s own is an admirable trait, but sometimes makes you feel like a total shithead for not having your life as together as she does. Normally you wouldn’t care that someone is done so long before you are, but this girl walks from room to room, hurrying people along like its her goddamn job. She’s notoriously impatient, and attempts to rally the troops hours before anyone is even close to ready. After the third “U ready?” text, you start to wonder, “How important is this friendship to me, really?” You’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt and decide that maybe she’s had a particularly bad week and just really needs to get laid. But the nagging is unbearable, and you blast your music on full volume every time you hear her stilettos coming towards your room.
The Consulter
This bitch is physically incapable of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide unless someone is there holding her hand, offering a concrete opinion the entire time. Whatever decision she has to make, she will first ask you what you think. Should she shave her legs? Should she do her hair curly, or straight? Are you sure that shade of eyeshadow doesn’t make her look like a hooker? Does it at least make her look like a high-end stripper? Questions like these are normally fine, but a problem arises when you offer an answer that contradicts her own opinion. You’ve learned to give whatever response you think she’ll agree with, unless the situation is more drastic, like that time she tried to wear white jeans past labor day.
The Pregamer
The idea of pulverizing her liver has her so excited that she’s put away four drinks before you even climbed into the shower. She’s no lightweight, but that doesn’t stop her from getting piss drunk before 8 p.m. Now she’s dancing around her room in her underwear, listening to awful Justin Timberlake throwbacks and annoying the crap out of everyone. She’ll wind up wearing something so bold that everyone will know she was hammered before she picked it out, and she’ll probably go overboard with her eyeshadow and wind up looking like Taylor Momsen. Meanwhile, your makeup time will inevitably be cut in half, because she is in no condition to be handling a 400 degree hair straightener. At least you’ll get to hear about how much she “looooooooves you” the entire time you’re attempting to tame her hair.
The Mom
Where would you be without Mom? She’s the glue that holds the whole operation together, making sure you’re all on track to make it in time for the bar specials that you’ve been thinking about since Sunday. No one even witnessed her get ready, but she looks absolutely flawless to the point where you’re ready to call it quits and spend the night in bed. She’ll be sipping some girly drink and walking from room to room, checking in on people and helping you pick something when you bitch about how you have “nothing to wear,” despite the thousands of dollars worth of clothes hanging in your closet. She’s glued to her phone the entire time, because she basically plans the entire night out for the group, scoping out the best deals and locating the hottest guys. Snaps for Momma.
The Struggle Bus
She can’t find her makeup, she’s lost control of her hair, and she’s paying more attention to her pre-party playlist than actually getting her shit together. You love her, but she’s the reason you’re always late, and this makes you want to slap the shit out of her. She knows that she sucks at time management, so she probably spent the majority of the night calculating how long she could put off the getting ready process before she would actually be late (but she sucks at math, too). When she eventually gets around to it, she’s in such a rush that she winds up in a mad sweat, despite cold temperatures. .
Nice Move514
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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