1. The too-many-questions guy
Foreplay:
This guy continuously asks if everything is ok. Am I ok? I don’t know, nor do I care at this point. You bought me five shots and two long islands. I think everything is fine, besides my liver. Am I on birth control? What is this, 1965? Yes I’m on birth control. If I weren’t you’d buy me plan B tomorrow. Do I like this? NOT IF YOU KEEP ASKING. Am I ok? OH MY GOD, SHUT UP.
During:
The too-many questions guy turns into the too-much-talking guy. Yeah, baby, I like that. Oh my God, you’re so hot. That feels so good. Do you like that. YES, OKAY? I LIKE IT.
After:
How was that for me? Can he get me some water? As soon as you’ve assured him that yes, it was fine, he will fall asleep instantly. You’ll wonder what the hell just happened, even though a romp in the sack has never been more blatantly clarified.
2. The Jackrabbit
Foreplay:
Foreplay is non-existent. He’s probably never had sex with the same girl more than once.
During:
BANG BANG BANG. What is he looking at? BANG BANG BANG. I wonder if he knows my breasts are attached. BANG BANG BANG. Why does he think striking up conversation as if he’s not currently inside of me will distract him from…BANG. End scene.
After:
This will go one of two ways. He might say something awful like “you’re welcome,” after clearly having mistaken your wincing as an “O” face, because he’s never seen what an actual female orgasm looks like. Alternatively, he may bury his head into a pillow like an ostrich in the sand, totally aware of his shit performance. He’ll then try to awkwardly make small talk with you, while you pretend to fall asleep.
3. The “A” for effort guy
Foreplay:
Comm 101 would have helped this poor boy. He has all the right thoughts, but his delivery is somewhat shaky. Needs improvement on connecting each thought.
During:
Again, he has the right idea, but a misplaced interjection throws off the conclusion. If he’s boyfriend material, provide some direction and he may join you on your quest for the elusive orgasm. He’s giving, so be careful not to discourage his already thoughtful demeanor.
After:
Good job, good effort. Give him a gold star, but his work did not contain enough substance to make you fully appreciate anything that just happened.
4. The “3 Positions” Guy
Foreplay:
Good. You’re really getting into it. This guy has likely had a few girlfriends, or at least some long-term FWB situations. He knows what he’s doing. He provides you with a good balance. He’s able to make you feel beautiful and he brings the right kind of dirty all at the same time.
During:
He’s got a good steady rhythm when you start off missionary style. He pays just enough attention to you and remembers to tell you how pretty, wonderful, and awesome you are, which we all know is what really gets you going. He lets you get on top for a little to do your thing, then switches it up one final time for the grand finale. He finishes and at the very least, you had a fighting chance of doing so. It lasts about ten minutes. Would do again.
After:
You have some nice small talk about school or what’s on TV, fall asleep, and report nice things about him to your besties.
5. The “What just happened” Guy
Foreplay:
This guy is pre-med and comes from a wealthy family who sent him to the prep school where he started having sex when he was 14. You’re so excited about this prospect that you don’t even care about any mishaps that happen along the way. He tore your favorite dress and not even along the seam? What dress? He knocked some beer bottles off his dresser and now there’s broken glass on the floor? What are a few cuts on your feet in the name of passion? HE’S. SO. HOT.
During:
You have never thought so little about what you look like, physically. You’re not really sure where you are or what is going on. For a moment you become intrigued by the fact that you are currently defying the laws of physics, but then you stop thinking altogether. This is the intercourse equivalent of taking LSD: you can’t really describe it and you know you’ll never be the same.
After:
He acts like what just happened is totally normal. He grabs you a t-shirt and a bottled water while you struggle to hear your own thoughts. You would wonder why he sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown, but you’re too busy focusing on your elation. Your head is so foggy for the next five minutes that you can’t even remember his profession of his love for you. That’s what he probably was saying, anyway.
Nice Move241
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