Ugh. Why does everyone suck?
The One Who’s Making a Shit-Ton Of Money
We knew it would be bad when she got an awesome job and felt the need to post a showoff status about it that just raked in the likes. It’s not like we didn’t see this coming. She’s always so enthusiastic and the leader of just about everything. Not to mention the fact that she’s always early to stuff and never arrives hungover in a shack shirt. We get it. You’re perfect. You’ve worked hard. You got the dream job or internship that is going to set you up for a lifetime of happiness. You’re also making bank. Cool. While you’re off making a name for yourself, just know that everyone else is sitting at her computer, hating you. You might make money, but don’t expect to come back from the summer with friends. Unless you, like, pick up the tab. A lot. Then maybe we’ll talk.
The One Who’s Engaged And Wedding Planning
She started dating her future husband when she was, like, five, so it shouldn’t be that shocking. After years of perfect “having so much fun with my (outrageously sexy) boyfriend” pictures posted on every stalking–I mean, social media site, the worst has finally happened. He popped the question, she uploaded cute shots of the Tiffany’s princess cut ring, and now we’re getting a play-by-play of her planning. This includes cake-tasting (the dream), working out with a personal trainer, and wedding dress shopping. Excuse me while I don’t talk to you until the wedding, where I will then take advantage of the open bar and the hot, single groomsmen.
The One Who’s Doing Selfless Things And Saving the World
She’s most likely the philanthropy chair and, like, a fifth-level, gluten-free vegan who recycles and volunteers at animal shelters. You thought that would keep her busy, but no. Instead, she decided to spend her summer jetting off to a third-world country to help injured sea turtles or something. Not only is she doing something that will look awesome on a résumé, but she’s also getting a rockin’ tan and hooking up with the abnormally sexy natives who don’t speak English. BRB while I look into volunteer opportunities and block your heartfelt adventures from my newsfeed. Selfless bitch.
The One Who’s Taking Classes For Her Super Smart Person Major
Summer is the time for using other people’s Netflix accounts, working a shitty, part-time job, and drinking your weight in wine coolers by the pool. This bitch obviously didn’t get the memo because she enrolled in, like, five summer courses that have names I don’t even want to pronounce. They all contain words that make me cringe, such as “financial,” “physics,” and “group projects.” We get it, you care about your education. We just have different college goals. Personally, I want to find a husband who will do my taxes for me and support my shopping addiction. This girl wants, like, financial independence and a fulfilling career.
The One Who’s Traveling All Over The World And Having The Time Of Her Life
This bitch. She is literally living the dream. I have no idea how she’s doing it, but either her father, her trust fund, or her sugar daddy is dropping the means to allow this princess to jaunt all over the world. She makes every single place look like a resort filled with laughter and drinking, and she constantly posts artsy photos of hip-looking buildings, bars, and boys. She’ll come back cultured, excited, and full of hot men’s DNA. We’ll come back having caught up on every television show in existence, and with stories of how we spent way too much time “reconnecting” with our hometown ex.
The One Who’s Doing Nothing, Just Like I Am, But Making It Look So Much Cooler
I don’t know how she does it. This girl is literally doing the same thing as we are. She’s sitting at home, drinking with friends, and watching television like it’s going out of style, yet she makes it look so much better. Maybe it’s her use of hashtags, or, like…her filters? Either way, the fact that I’m jealous of someone who is doing the same thing I’m doing only means one thing: I need to get off of my computer, take out a loan, and fly to Italy to meet a really rich guy to hook up with, who will accidentally (LOL) get me pregnant. Then it will be MY time to do the cake tasting. Arrivederci, ladies. See you at my wedding!
Nice Move417
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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