1. The Headlocker
He wants to keep you close, and will use his biceps as a means of keeping you locked in the crevices of his body. The headlocker is usually a pretty buff dude. He probably has some emotional issues, but instead of talking them out, he would rather just cage you in an unescapable death grip. You might think that his efforts were actually pretty cute, if he weren’t crushing your wind pipe into oblivion and restricting your breathing. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, I don’t judge.
2. The Twitcher
I don’t know why people twitch in their sleep, and I understand that it’s probably normal, but sleeping with a male twitcher who is much larger than you is dangerous territory. You could wind up with bruises, and not the fun kinky kind. Twitchers are awful, and I seriously commend any woman who learns to cope with one. I recommend that everyone tries to avoid them, not out of fear for personal injury, but because I think we all would fucking hate being woken up every time our cuddle buddy had a spaz attack. That shit would not fly.
3. The Clinger
Also known by some as the spider, the clinger wants to ensure that you stay in bed until the later hours of the morning, at least. He’ll keep you in place by swinging his leg over your body and wrapping his arms around your torso, thus trapping you in a human web of obsession and annoyance. He’s the type of dude who will turn up at your front door completely uninvited while you’re in the middle of something, and get upset when you don’t think his showing up unannounced is cute. The clinger is like a skinnier, neurotic headlocker with minimal sex appeal and way too many insecurities for an adult male.
4. The Spooner
There are two types of spoons, the more common of the two being the big spoon, or the ladle. The big spoon is generally optimal for colder regions. You usually love him, because he radiates an obscene amount of body heat and keeps you warm throughout the colder nights. However, on sticky summer nights, the ladle is your worst enemy because no one likes to wake up in a hot sweat and practically attached to another person. The little spoon, on the other hand, is probably a mama’s boy and thus requires way too much attention and affection. Little spoons are rare, but perfect for those who find man’s back to be the sexiest part of the male body.
5. The Emotionally Unavailable
Although he is physically present, the emotionally unavailable is the type of dude who’s wary about the idea of snuggling in the first place. He’s fucked in the head, and you’re not entirely sure why. Maybe he got screwed over by a girl he once loved, or maybe he just has commitment issues because he’s kind of a whore. Either way, he’s tough to approach because you’re not sure how much to give without freaking him into a smash ‘n dash-type situation. You’ll eventually fall asleep on his chest, but wake up on entirely opposite sides of the bed. His issues take up more room in the bed than the both of you put together.
6. The All-In-One
You never know what you’re going to get with this guy. Sometimes he holds you, sometimes you hold him, and sometimes he just plants his entire body on top of yours while screaming “LOVE ME” and crying tears of instability. He’s a weirdo, but you love him his penis, so you put up with his sporadic habits. One night he could be drawn to you like a fly to shit, and the next he could strap a piece of duct tape down the center of the bed and warn you not to cross into his “personal space.” He’s a wildcard, and you never know what cuddle style to expect from him. Not that you mind, because at least you know you’ll never be bored..
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to [email protected].
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