Breakups are hard. Between saying goodbye to your favorite hoodies, the thinly veiled judgement from your mother, and having so much free time that you’re forced to take up a new hobby, those first few weeks after the split can be really tough. The hardest part, however, isn’t your debilitating loneliness. No, the worst part is the way your ex behaves after the whole ordeal. I might be biased, because my list of failed relationships has officially surpassed that of any healthy twenty-something woman. But I truly believe that the way your now-ex behaves can spoil those newfound single vibes you’re desperately trying to indulge in. Whatever your reason for ending the relationship, he’s going to turn into one of the following types of exes, and most likely ruin all of your fun.
1. Stuck in Denial
You had no idea this guy would cling to you like a dehydrated leach, and how could you? Sure, everyone promises to remain friends when having the awful breakup talk. Problem is, this guy really meant it. All the work you put into convincing him to enter a committed relationship in the first place has definitely come back to bite you in the ass, because whatever reasons you gave him for justifying the split went straight over his head. Instead of moving on and embracing his new single life, he’s decided to go on pretending like nothing has changed. He still blows up your phone, Snapchats you daily, and attempts to make plans that involve you and your friends.
2. Pretends You Don’t Exist
Why do some guys think it’s mandatory to pretend you stop existing once you’re no long together? I’ll admit that the idea of keeping in touch is probably pretty unrealistic. But that doesn’t mean he has to actively ignore you every time you come in contact. A simple “Hey” would suffice, and probably help to make the situation ten times less awkward. But no. This dude has to consciously avoid every place you might be, and you’re not sure if it’s because he’s still in love with you, or if he genuinely hates your guts. You would ask him, if he didn’t sprint in the opposite direction every time you walked in the room.
3. Bootycall MgGee
I’ll never judge anyone for partaking in some harmless FWB action, but the fact that this dude thinks you can keep having casual sex is laughable. It’s not casual when you used to drop the L-bomb on the reg. It’s a legitimate conflict of interest. Unfortunately, while you probably initially laughed off the idea of continuing to sleep with him, you’ll probably take him up on the offer the first Saturday you end up at home alone. You can’t really win with this dude; having sex with someone you used to date is like going to the pet store, holding a puppy for fifteen minutes, and leaving empty handed.
4. Evacuated The Planet
It’s definitely a good idea to avoid an ex for a while, to allow time for recovery and/or excessive partying. But this guy just dipped, and you have no idea what the fuck he does with his life these days. You would ask a mutual friend, if you weren’t paranoid that he would hear you were asking about him from the apparent desert island where he now lives. I’m not saying you should stick a tracker on your exes to monitor their every move, but it would be nice to know if the kid is still alive. The best you can do is attempt to stop thinking about him, and make a mental note to only date guys who update their Facebook more than once a month from now on.
5. The Reason You Drink
He was tolerable while you were dating, but now he’s turned into the spawn of Satan, and you have no idea how you didn’t see how big a douchebag he was while you were together. This guy is the scum of the Earth, and spends most of his time spreading rumors about you, talking trash to everyone you know, and sending bad vibes your way. You can literally feel the hate radiating off his body when you’re in the same vicinity, and despite the fact that you tiptoe around him to avoid an outburst, you’re patiently waiting for the day when you say “Fuck it” and deliver a swift sucker punch to his dick. Don’t feel bad. Fucker totally deserves it.
6. The Man Whore
He’s mad you dumped him, and he’s going to express this anger by attempting to bone anything with tits and a pulse. You keep hearing from the most random sources about all the new notches in his bed post, each uglier than the one before. At the end of the day, his newfound sluttiness just makes you sad for him. He’s probably doing it to try and forget you ever existed, which would be a somewhat acceptable notion if he wasn’t repeatedly chasing after your friends. The only thing you can do is hope you were better than all the low grade poon he’s getting and a blood oath with your sorority sisters so they all know to stay away. .