The 6 Worst First Date Places


I’m no rocket scientist but I sure as hell never considered finding a normal place for a first date to be a massive struggle in my life. I guess that’s easy for me to say considering I’ve been single longer than Will and Jada Smith have been together, but I can honestly say the idea of meeting someone for the first time doesn’t keep me up at night. That being said, I’ve recently come to realize how fucking clueless some guys actually are when it comes to dating. I’m not the kind of girl to demand being picked up for a first date in a horse-drawn carriage and ending the night when, and only when, Mr. Prince Charming gets down on one knee, but if you are going to go out of your way to ask me out on a date (as opposed to just trying to get in my pants in the bathroom at the local bar) please make sure you request to meet me somewhere normal because if it’s one of these six places, you’re going to get turned down faster than I can text the letters N-O.

A Coffee Shop
Recruitment and dating are very similar because both have the potential for feelings to not be neutral upon meeting. In recruitment and on a first date you have to meet someone for the first time, get to know them, and ultimately see if you click. You might see a PNM as a stage-5-clinger-should-be-cut-day-one kinda chick, but she, on the other hand, thinks you’re the best thing since Beyonce and is practically oral bidding you upon walking in the door. Dating is the same way. The guy you might go on the date with might be awkward as shit and has weird hobbies like neutering cats or BBQing roadkill, but he’s obviously going to fall head over heels for you because like, who wouldn’t? Although a coffee shop might seem like a harmless place for a first date, you couldn’t be more wrong.

Unlike an actual meal, a coffee date has no definite end-time. If five minutes into the date Mr. “Not so prince charming” is sobbing to you about how his last girlfriend broke his heart or attempting to show you pictures of his taxidermy collection, a coffee shop lacks waitresses to give you the evil eye forcing you to GTFO and lacks a bar that might make this potentially worst first date somewhat bearable.

Sushi Dinner
I personally love sushi and would be stoked if any guy would be willing to drop cash just to watch me stuff my face with a substance that smells like old vagina, but approximately 68 percent of the people in America couldn’t disagree more.

Sushi is one of those foods that’s you either love or hate. Spoiler alert: most people fall into the latter category. If you are picking a first date place, try to avoid places that serve food that is still half alive because as funny as it is to watch your date puke because he thought the wasabi was avocado, it would still be tragic.

The Movies
The movies were a good place for a first date back in 7th grade when you wanted to give the guy who sits next to you in Pre-Calc and over the jeans hand job without your mom finding out. The movies are NOT a good place to meet someone who you would potentially see yourself seriously dating until you either get married and have kids or have a nasty breakup with during which one or both of you throws glass objects at the wall. You don’t get to know anyone whatsoever by going on your first date at the movies. Unless of course you are one of those assholes who thinks it’s totally okay to chat in the theater (in which case 99% of people fucking hate you). Pick another place to get to know each other.

Note: The movies ARE a good justification for a “date” to go to with the hot AF hot guy who has the personality of a rock but you would totally fuck afterward nonetheless and be totally cool with never talking to him again after.

A Close Friend’s Birthday Party
I can honestly say I’ve never been on a date more awkward than to a guy’s best friend’s birthday party. If he extends the invite to you and a group of your girls, then by all means go. If you are just meeting him for the first time and have zero friends in common, make an excuse and tell him your grandma died or something. Unless you are a social butterfly and can make friends with a legitimate wall after seven seconds of chatting with it, then you will either feel alone as fuck or end up sticking to your date’s side the entire night and he will think you are weird and clingy. If you do by chance end up in this situation make sure you take full advantage of whatever alcohol is available. You’ll need it.

A Family Event
Having your date shake hands with your father before taking you out for the night is one thing, but welcoming the new guy into your home for a first date is totally another. If your family is anything like mine, your dad will question him for at least forty-five minutes about his work ethic and political views only to be topped by your mother asking him “what’s your plan for if she gets pregnant?” Talk about awkward. Save the family introductions for when you’re like engaged or actually pregnant or some terrible shit like that.

His Basement
If a guy ever openly invites you to a sketchy date place you should probably dye your hair, transfer schools, and change your last name because chances are this creep already knows your address and social security number. One time a guy literally messaged me on Tinder and asked if I wanted to come chill and watch movies with him in his basement. Translation: I want to rape and kill you. Start running.

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My life is pretty much one big awkward embarrassing moment. Dream-self is a cross between Amy Schumer and Serena Van der Woodsen. I like LITs a little too much and am standards board's worst nightmare. If you don't party on Tuesdays then what's the point of college..? Feel free to email me funny stories and Memes because I love to laugh and there's a chance I might be able to make you laugh too. xo

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