The stereotype that women are predisposed to being bad drivers is completely misogynistic and demeaning. That being said, we all have that one friend who genuinely sucks at driving. You’re bewildered at the thought of her having ever passed her driver’s test, because she drives like a total moron. You love her, but she’s an idiot and you want to fight her every time she gets behind the wheel. There are many kinds of shitty drivers, and if you can’t find any of your friends on the following list, that probably means you’re the token bad driver of your group. Sucks to suck, sorry.
Sporadic Sally
The name of the game is stay alive, and you are probably going to lose that game. This bitch should have the “Jaws” theme song blasting out of a loudspeaker on the top of her car, because you never know who she’ll kill next. She underestimates tight spaces, doesn’t believe in blinkers, and considers stop signs optional. Your nervous sweating kicks in the second she turns the key, and you immediately become concerned for your life. The worst part of her driving is her crippling road rage, which can be triggered by something as simple as your rival school’s bumper sticker on the SUV in front of her. Basically, the only aspect of driving that she ever mastered is the ability to effectively flip someone off. We just need to pray she ends up living in a city with mass amounts of adequate public transportation.
The Grandma
She constantly drives 15 miles under the speed limit, with her hands loyally glued to 10 and 2. She drives so slowly that you’ve witnessed butterflies pass her car, and she makes your actual grandma look like Ricky Bobby. Sounds safe enough, right? Wrong. She’s paying such close attention to her speedometer that she has zero attention capacity for lights, stop signs, and other cars. She also usually decides to wait until the last minute to merge, and she doesn’t understand the concept of “right on red.” The worst part about her is that she actually thinks she is driving properly, when, in fact, she is not.
“This is a spot, right?”
She’s gotten her fair share of parking tickets, but she doesn’t really give a shit. It’s safe to say that huge pile of orange envelopes in her backseat didn’t teach her anything. It’s understandable that there are a few minor lessons driver’s ed didn’t teach us, like how to give a proper courtesy wave when someone lets you merge, or how to join other cars and gang up on the guy who’s trying to cut everyone off. However, we all managed to learn how to not park like a total douche. All of us except this girl, that is. She basically just makes up her own parking spots and she is willing to leave her car anywhere. I mean anywhere: someone’s lawn, the sidewalk, that tiny alley between Jimmy John’s and the tanning salon. She considers this all fair game. What’s frustrating to you is that she actually gets away with it a lot of the time. Meanwhile, you’re accustomed to getting ticketed for going two minutes over on a meter. Bitch.
The Anxious Driver
Her grip on the steering wheel is so tight that you’re pretty sure her inner monologue is like, “I’ll never let go Jack…” She has to talk to herself constantly to calm down, which is really annoying when you’re trying to maintain a normal conversation or jam out to some tunes. She probably keeps a brown plastic bag in the center console and she has a rosary hanging from the rear view mirror, which she checks incessantly. She might not drive that slow, but it takes you twice as long to get anywhere because she absolutely refuses to take the highway. You’d honestly rather walk.
Zero Direction
She can’t fathom life without GPS, but simultaneously has no idea how to work the damn thing (aside from figuring out how to make the narrator have an Australian accent). She’s been to your house a thousand times, but still has trouble distinguishing which exit to take or which road to turn on. She spends a lot of time with her head hanging out the window, looking for the street she has taken every day for the past year. Everyone behind her has to watch her veer off the side of the road a mile in advance, and you’re embarrassed to be in the front seat when they eventually speed past you.
Slow The Fuck Down
This friend is even a bigger douchebag than people who drive hummers, because she actually refuses to slow the fuck down. She weaves in and out of cars like she’s in a game of Mario Kart, rather than a legitimate life or death situation. Her car probably looks like it’s been in a nasty NASCAR accident because of all the fender benders she has caused, and she rides more ass than Kanye. Sitting in any kind of traffic is the bane of her existence, and her speedometer hasn’t been under 70 since ‘Nam. You’ve actually considered saying a prayer and strapping on a helmet before getting in her car. Godspeed. No pun intended.
Nice Move255
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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