Waking up in the morning with a pounding headache and the immediate need for a bucket or toilet can only mean one thing: you had a great night last night. Hopefully you had nothing important going on today, because hangovers require a full day of rest, junk food, and Netflix. However, there are always those night where we promise ourselves we won’t drink as much, we won’t go as hard, and WE WILL NOT BLACK OUT, DAMMIT, because we have things to do the next day. But what do you know? You wake up on the verge of dying, ready to avoid the world, but then you realize, oh yeah, you have plans, you have to go somewhere, or you just can’t be a huge, lazy bitch and not leave you bed all day. Here are some of the worst places to be when you’re hungover, so avoid them at all costs.
1. Babysitting
Babysitting can be either the easiest job in the world or the absolute worst. You’re essentially getting paid to be a mother, with kids depending on your for all their needs and wants. Now imagine yourself fighting the worst headache in the world, your stomach turning even at the thought of a strong flavor, and regret pouring out of your pores. Oh, and don’t try to kid yourself and try to think that the parents don’t know you’re hungover. They know, they just don’t care because they’re too excited to be kid-free for the next few hours. Also, it’s a little known fact, but kids have a natural sensor that tells them when people are not in the mood to be fucked around with, and they will ALWAYS fuck around with you. Is she usually the sweetest child who enjoys watching “Frozen” and playing with dolls in her room? Today she wants to ride her bike up the steepest hill and go to Chuck E. Cheese, and she will throw five hissy fits if you say no. The baby boy who is calm and will just nap most of the time? Guess who is feverish and won’t stop wailing? At least you’re getting paid for this, right?
2. Public Transportation
I feel as if the applications to drive busses, cabs, metro trains, and other forms of public transportation have a little section on them that says, “Will you hit every bump, overcompensate for turns, and brake only at the last second?” Those who check yes drive Friday, Saturday, and Sunday mornings. Hope you have a strong stomach, because there is no opportunity to toss your cookies until you reach your destination–unless you’re like me and completely shameless, demanding the driver pull over for a hot sec so you can release your demons. Also, be prepared to smell every bad smell to ever be created to emit from your fellow passengers. Oh well, at least they’re not judging you too hard, because chances are, they’re in the same boat.
3. Restaurant Waiting Areas
1: “What even happened last night?”
2: “I don’t know, but I can’t do anything until I have food in me.”
1: “Oh, let’s go to the diner!”
What a great idea, right? Avoid the dining hall and get some real grease and starch to cure your hangover! Too bad you and everyone else in the entire world had the same idea. You and your friends drive around in your yoga pants, hoodies, and sunglasses looking for a place where the wait isn’t longer than 20 minutes. You’ll hit the third place and, you know what? Fuck it, you’ll wait the 20 minutes, because you need pancakes in your life and if you spend one more second in that car, game over. So here you are, the waiting area of a diner or restaurant, also known as hell. Can we all agree and say that every waiting area of a restaurant is WAY too small for its own good? You have flashbacks of last night at the bar as you push through crowds to get to the hostess to put your name on the waiting list. Next, you have to stand there waiting for your name, because if they call it and you miss it, there goes 20 minutes of your life. And LOL if you think you can sit, because there are old people galore who need to sit more than you (if only they knew the antics you got into last night, they would know you need that seat way more than they do). Have to quickly use the bathroom to evacuate the contents of your stomach? Prepare to be judged by everyone in the waiting room. Also, you’ll barely make it, because the bathroom line is obscenely long. So close to the sweet nirvana of hangover food, yet so far.
4. The Mall
The mall is usually an exciting place because retail therapy is the best therapy. It’s science. Granted if you’re broke, it’s a little less enticing, but window shopping is a great way to know what you’re going to buy online in your next history of west African art class. However, today you feel (and probably look) like a sack of assholes that’s been left out in the desert for about a month and a half. It’s never your idea to go to the mall, because we all know the best activities every hungover girl wants to do is order pizza and watch “Sex and the City” marathons. But because your friends all want to go, you figure “eh, it won’t be that bad.” Yeah, that’s a lie. Everything you think is cute will either not flatter your body type, be one size off, or have a tear or stain in it. By the time you reach the second store, you’re exhausted and take your place on the bench with the loyal husbands and boyfriends who were dragged to the mall. You dream of your bed and Netflix, and are rudely interrupted every time Tiffany needs ANOTHER confirmation that she can pull off patterned pants. JUST BUY THE FUCKING PANTS, TIFFANY. YOU CAN ALWAYS RETURN THEM, DAMMIT. Also, avoid the Chinese buffet place at all costs, because the smell alone will knock you down for the count.
5. Family Gathering
Waking up after a night of debauchery to a text along the lines of, “Remember your aunt, uncle, cousins, and grandparents are coming over for an early dinner tonight!” can drive anyone to tears. Hiding your hangover from the general public is a hassle, but hiding your hangover from your relatives? Impossible. They’re your family, so they’re already judgmental, and even just saying, “oh, I’m just a little tired” will always warrant a “You’re hungover, aren’t you?” from someone in your family. I mean, it’s not a family gathering if someone doesn’t suggest you might have a drinking problem. Maybe you’re lucky and your cousins are normal people who also went out the night before, thus commiserating with you. But chances are, your weird, vegan cousin who doesn’t believe in alcohol and drugs is there, and she only wants to talk about major world issues, like ISIS and Syria. While I totally believe in knowing what the what is on foreign affairs, the day after I go out, I want to recap the night, making sure that after I finally made out with the cute Sig Ep, I didn’t mention how cute our children would be. But that’s just me. The worst part? The only way you can get through family gatherings is with alcohol, and guess what you can’t even smell without dry heaving? Good luck.
6. Meetings
Meetings are hard to pay attention to even when sober, especially when it has nothing to do with you. Meetings at your internship, chapter meetings, work meetings, committee meetings–if you’re not adding anything of importance, or it doesn’t affect you, you’re already wondering why the hell you’re there. Add a hangover on top of that and you’re in a lower level of hell. It’s hard to keep your eyes open when Louis, the associate director of operations at your internship, is droning on and on about how stapling on the right while filing based on the indent of the third paragraph is vital to record-keeping, and interoffice synergy is at an all time high. He has to be making up words, but God forbid you look uninterested or off your game. In chapter, if Cindy, the recruitment chair, won’t shut the fuck up about how great recruitment went THREE WEEKS AGO, you’re going to dump your water bottle on top of your head. Despite these awful situations, the worst meetings to come hungover to in the history of time are the ones where you’re probably in trouble. Maybe your manager at work wants you to take more of a leadership role and doesn’t see you striving to do that. Maybe you’re at a standards meeting you completely forgot about. Whatever the case, not even a whole bottle of Xanax can cure your anxiety, and all you want to say is, “TAKE MERCY ON ME, I’M HUNGOVER.” But, because life is hard and not fair, you can’t, so you sit there and take the lecture, just feeling shittier and shittier. Just keep you head up–tomorrow is a new day.
Nice Move349
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Hakuna Moscato
Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.
@HakunaMoscato
