Ah, getting drunk. What an art form it is. For some of us, it makes flirting easier. For others, it makes us forget that we’re vegans/vegetarians/”allergic” to gluten. Then for some, it makes us express our true feelings and ruin our lives in the course of a few short hours. No matter what it does to you, you can’t deny it turns you into someone else. So if you’re a basic bitch (and yes, you are), chances are that when you shoot back some liquor, you tend to become someone totally different. If you’re one of these seven drunks, don’t worry. We’re all just judging you on the inside.
The Crier
Your best friend went to the bathroom without you. Your boyfriend looked at another girl (granted, she was the bartender handing him a drink, but still). A commercial just came on for pizza rolls and you really, really want them. GOD WHY IS LIFE SO HARD. For some reason with every shot you take, your chances of publicly crying go up. You can’t say why, and you can’t say what exactly will set you off, but when you get drunk, you tend to have a lot of feelings.
Why everyone loves you: Like a sad, old dog, people just kind of feel bad for you.
Why everyone hates you: You’re bringing literally everyone else down and yes, you’re an ugly crier.
The Stalker
Boyfriend at the bar? Ex-boyfriend at the bar? Ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s roommate’s friend at the bar? No matter who it is that you have a secret obsession with, whenever you’re drunk, you can’t help but stalk the shit out of them. Whether it’s when you see them at happy hour, or you log on Instagram and get fifty-two weeks into their nitty gritty past, you always resort to some light (read: stalkerish) spying when you’re tipsy. Whatever, it’s better than actually confronting them with your feelings, right?
Why everyone loves you: Chances are you’ll throw some accidental double taps at the wrong people, instantly giving them an ego boost.
Why everyone hates you: You’re spending more time seeing what your ex is doing than what the people you’re with are doing. Plus with enough alcohol in you, you’ll sometimes turn into a crier, because let’s be real, looking at him just makes you *so* sad.
The Mute
The more the drinks flow, the more your voice stops. For some reason you get withdrawn, bitchy, and silent the more drunk you get. It’s not that you hate everyone, it’s just that you hate being around everyone. The loud noises. The obvious try-hard moves. The desperation. Ugh, you’re so over it. Still, you’d rather silently sulk in the corner than stay at home and deal with all of the FOMO.
Why everyone loves you: You don’t try to one up them with your own stories because you kind of just hope everyone dies so you can go home and watch Netflix.
Why everyone hates you: You’re basically a giant, moody piece of flesh taking up space in the middle of their fun.
The Harlot
You’ve been known to make out with a random. You send out promiscuous drunk texts by the second shot in. The chances of you not getting laid when you’re drunk are pretty slim. I’m not saying alcohol makes you slutty, but, yeah. Alcohol makes you slutty. It doesn’t matter if it’s with your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, friend, big (hey, no judgements), or a few people at the same time. When you get drunk, you get fucked. Every. single. time.
Why everyone loves you: You have sex with them.
Why everyone hates you: You most likely have sex with people you aren’t supposed to.
The Famished
When you’re drunk, passing up sex is easy. Passing up pizza, however, isn’t. You get the munchies like no other, and you plan your drunk meal just as seriously as you plan your night out. When it comes to getting drunk, you’re basically using it as an excuse to order those large, cheese covered fries, and honestly? We see no problem with that.
Why everyone loves you: You’re always down to stop by a fast food chain on the way home.
Why everyone hates you: You’ve destroyed way, way too many diets. Including your own.
The Lover
The lover is the strangest mixture of the crier and the harlot. When you’re drunk you tend to cling to friends, text your mom, and leave a five minute voicemail telling your sort-of boyfriend why you love him soooooo much. Sure, there are some tears in there but it’s only because you care. A lot. Sometimes it results in sex, sometimes it results in sausage pizza. Whichever it is, you usually go to bed with a puffy face and a feeling of accomplishment because no one gets attention quite like the lover.
Why everyone loves you: It’s sort of cute how much you care about everyone.
Why everyone hates you: But it can get really annoying, really (really) fast.
The Asshole
Yell at boyfriend in public? Check. Leave your friend stranded when she’s talking to a 4? Check. Make out with a random guy in front of the guy you came with? Check check check. For some reason when alcohol hits your lips, you because the worst kind of person. You’re always up for starting trouble, getting into a fight, and doing something completely reckless that you’ll regret in the morning. Half of the people are terrified of you, and the other half are fascinated. Hey, at least you put on a good show, right?
Why everyone loves you: You make them look much, much better.
Why everyone hates you: Because you sort of make them hate you.
Whatever, we all suck anyways. Pass the vodka..
Nice Move491
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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