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The 7 Worst Things From Blake Lively’s New, Idiotic Lifestyle Website

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If any of you haven’t checked out Blake Lively’s Pinterest board gone horribly wrong–I mean lifestyle website–stop what you are doing and look.

It’s a striking amalgamation of woodcut block font set against ominous colors and grain wood. To put it in layman’s terms, it looks like an emo Anthropologie, but it’s really just an overprivileged white girl’s attempt at appealing to the hipster mass market (without having an underlying concept for the site or store in general).

The beginning of the editor’s letter about the website really says it all:

“Sitting down to write this editor’s letter has been the hardest thing I’ve done yet on my Preserve journey. I’m more intimidated than I should probably admit. I’m no editor, no artisan, no expert. And certainly no arbiter of what you should buy, wear, or eat. I am hungry, though…and not just for enchiladas.”

SIT DOWN, SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN.

To better give you an idea of how ridiculous this site and its shop is, behold seven of the worst things you can blow your hard-earned cash on, while Blake and Ryan Reynolds madly make love on a bed made out of artisanal wood grown from trees solely watered by virgins’ tears.

A World Marquee for $2,000
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“Invite the world into your household while welcoming a wealth of cultures and customs from countless countries. Be aware, the World Marquee may inspire extreme wanderlust.”

Ummm, I don’t think they have a lot of lights in third world countries. And I wouldn’t be able to afford a decent trip after blowing 2K on something my ex could have made in woodshop class. I say “ex” because I doubt we’d be together much longer if he had made me this instead of, like, wooden mallards.

A Crystal Bowl for $450
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“…artisans sculpt every piece by hand; imparting beauty, imagination and warmth to those who welcome these captivating crystals into their home.”

I thought “Breaking Bad” was basically a PSA against bringing captivating crystals into your home.

Large Thought Bubble for $300
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“Spark your bulb and bring a fresh light to your thinking process with the Thought Bubble. Make sure to jot down that brilliant idea!”

I thought that’s what Twitter was for? Why not save $300 and share your ill-informed, vaguely racist thought with thousands of people!

Cottage Floral Collection for $185
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“Towering above the table like a priceless palace is an ornate tea stand. With three layers for a cascade of colorful cupcakes, cheesy crackers, and chocolate crisps, the tea stand brings order to a mad tea party. Make sure to invite High Tea for Alice to your next party and avoid a fancy fiasco.”

I’m all about ornate tea stands, trust me. I live for this shit, but if you spent $185 on something for “a cascade of colorful cupcakes,” what issues are you actually hiding in the deepest parts of your disturbed, murky soul?

Bistro Apron for $100
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“Sometimes there aren’t enough chefs in the kitchen.”

I thought the whole intent of an apron was to cover up your more expensive clothing, so what does it say about you when your apron is more precious than the J.Crew button-down you bought in a gin-fueled, Friday rampage.

Porter Cycling Crate for $95
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“The bones of old New York get a new lease on life in these Dutch-style bicycle crates. Built to last a lifetime from reclaimed local wood sealed with natural tung oil, each beautiful Brooklyn-made piece is imbued with its own unique character. Caboose it onto your bike to carry the day’s produce, impromptu flowers for your sweetheart, or whatever you need to transport in a stylish manner—emission-free!”

Their near-exact replicas are free if you buy enough produce at the farmer’s market. *drops mic*

Everyday Bowl for $70
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“Hardly quotidian, the Everyday Bowl marries rare beauty with frequent functionality. It’s durable enough to add elegance to your morning oatmeal experience, yet sufficiently eye-catching to perch on a mantle.”

This looks like something I would make at summer camp as a child to proudly bring home. Mom would proclaim, “oh, sweetie, it’s great,” and wait a month before tossing it to ensure I’d completely forgotten about the useless, leaky bowl. THIS IS A WILLIAMS-SONOMA HOUSEHOLD.

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sarahsolfails

To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough." Writer living in NYC.

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