The 8 Types Of Penises And What They Mean About A Guy In The Sack

The 8 Types Of Penises And What They Mean About A Guy In The Sack

Penises are great. They’re functional, they’re fun to play with, and they are always available to remind us that we’re absolute babes…and that we can get guys to do pretty much anything for us. That’s not to say all dongs were created equally. They come in all different shapes and sizes. All of them, however, are funny-looking.

1. Grower (NOT a Shower)
It’s a sad life for this guy, because he catches way too much heat from his boys in the locker room. This will prove beneficial to you, though. He’s got an “ugly duckling” of a dick that miraculously grows into a beautiful swan when you call upon it. As is true with all ugly ducklings, though, he is gifted enough to satisfy, but not so confident that he knows exactly what he’s packing. I call it a win.

2. Pig in a Blanket
If you’ve neither studied abroad, nor hooked up with a dude who has foreign parents, you’ve probably never seen an uncircumcised penis unless you’re cavorting with hippies. At the risk of ruining your favorite hot dog flavored finger food, a pig in a blanket is pretty much exactly what they look like. I know that sounds traumatic, but they’re not as scary as you think. His little guy’s turtleneck pulls back on its own when he’s called to action (one of nature’s little miracles), so the first time you encounter one in real life, you probably won’t even be able to tell…until he finishes and that little turtle shrinks back into its shell, at which time, it’s best to look away. The plus side, though, is that uncircumcised guys are usually more sensitive down there, meaning he understands your sensitive spots better than most, he won’t ride you to death like most frat zombies on campus, and a lot of times, they don’t even like blow jobs. C for aesthetics. A+ for performance.

3. Micropenis
Little Winston, baby dick, Tiny Tim, the light switch, and “Are you even inside me?” might be other terms that come to mind when you think of a micropenis. Bear in mind, a micropenis isn’t just your average tiny willy. It is an actual medical “condition” in which a man’s member is 2.5 standard deviations smaller than the average — so 2.75 inches or smaller. Now, I haven’t been graced by the presence of a microdick before, so like any other curious human, I Googled it. Let me just warn you that this is something you DO NOT want to do. I’m really searching for a positive here, and I’m going to guess these guys are usually pretty good at oral? Plus, you won’t have to worry about your gag reflex.

4. Big Banana
Every once in a while you’ll run into a man with a big, curved penis. And while it’s almost like his entire body is trying to give you a “thumbs-up,” it’s a weird, scary, disappointing sight. My experience with these has always been painful unless the guy really knows what he’s doing, but let’s be honest, he doesn’t. When you’re faced with a boomerang wang, you’re going to have to take the reins, hop on the saddle, and do things your own way. Just remember you may be able to pass off your grimacing, wincing, and squeals of pain, as your O-face, and moans of pleasure. Good luck.

5. Jungle Junk
Think of “Harold and Kumar” when that creepy guy has a no-pants party. As soon as he steps out of the hot tub water, it’s horrifying to see the forrest of pubes hiding his balls and chain. A guy with this much fur has never heard the term “manscape” in his life and probably hopes he never has to. Tubthumping with this boy is a big HELL to the NO. You have no idea what kind of creatures may be hiding in that swamp’s nest between his legs, and frankly, it’s just gross to look at.

6. The Disappointer
Every woman will at some point or another encounter a disappointer. Through no fault of his own, this guy’s wee wee just doesn’t make the cut. You have high expectations of him. He’s chiseled, cut, and funny. There’s no way he’s not packing some serious heat. Except that he’s not. It may be that he’s exceptionally small (not micropenis small, but small), that he doesn’t know what to do with his penis once he uses it, or turns out to be one of those “no sex before marriage” guys, but his penis is just never going to be the penis we’re all just out here looking for. It’s not “the one.” And neither is he. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not answer his calls whether they come at 1 in the afternoon or 3 in the morning. There’s nothing in his pants for you. And that’s a damn shame.

7. Schlong
College athletes, abnormally tall guys, and some lucky, randomly gifted men will have this bad boy. While very nice to look at, the mechanics of it all can sometimes be questionable. Re: it hurt to put a tampon in the first time, so I’m not sure how that will fit inside my body. But then again, a baby will come out of there, so worth a shot. To any gentleman reading, I’ll answer the question for you. Yes, there is a such thing as “too big.” No, it’s not you.

8. Boyfriend Material
This guy is the hero, the savior, and the restorer of faith for women all over the world. After having to deal with so many other dickheads (literally), the boyfriend is here to stay. Measuring in at slightly above average, perfectly groomed, and hangs — not curves — just slightly to the right, we have a winner. He’s big, handsome, has great bone(r) structure, and exists solely to make sex as good as it is in romantic comedies.

Image via Shutterstock

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premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to

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