After surviving a week full of 8 a.m. classes, bitches, and social obligations, you’ve finally made it to the weekend. You walk through the doors of your favorite Friday night stomping ground only to be greeted by your worst nightmare (now available in nine different flavors).
1. The “Basically Conceiving On The Dance Floor”
I’m all for getting down and dirty when it comes to dancing, but there’s always that one couple taking things way too far. You’re in public–I shouldn’t be over here worrying about whether or not you two are using protection.
2. The “Friends With Everyone”
She’s that girl who distinctly told you she hated you two hours ago. I know booze makes us all feel warm and fuzzy, but there’s no reason that you should want to sit around and sing “Kumbaya” with everybody. Also, no, nobody wants to take a picture with you. They don’t know who you are.
3. The “I’m not sick, I’m fine!”
You know it’s going to happen. She knows it’s going to happen. I’m talking about your friend who, despite having her stomach pumped last month, still insists on drinking until she throws up. Nothing says, “I’m having a great time!” like leaning over a dirty toilet at a frat house, am I right?
4. The “Way Overdressed”
Don’t get me wrong, I like getting dressed up, too. However, there’s a difference between wearing your 6-inch patent leather heels to a cocktail party and wearing them in a dirty basement where the highest quality drink you’re going to find is a warm can of Natty.
5. The “Way Underdressed”
Worse than being overdressed is being underdressed, and by that, I mean not wearing enough clothes. I’m sure everyone here is super happy that you’re so confident with your body, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to show up in nipple pasties and mini-micro shorts. If I can see your lady bits, you’re doing it wrong.
6. The “My Phone Is More Interesting”
Swaying to the beat of a song while ferociously texting does not count as dancing. Also annoying: people who try to make phone calls in the middle of a loud party. If whoever you called couldn’t hear you the first 12 times, I’m not sure what good yelling, “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” again is going to do.
7. The “Probably On Drugs”
There always seems to be one really fucked up person who wanders aimlessly around the venue with that “Oh my God, what is happening right now, who are you people, why are the walls melting” look on his or her face. I mean, you do you, but if you pass out, I’m not taking you to the hospital.
8. The “Alcohol Gives Me Confidence”
It’s bad when it happens to girls, but even worse when it happens to guys. Sorry to break it to you, but drinking copious amounts of alcohol does not magically transform you into a lady-killing Adonis. I’d work on that beer belly first.
9. The “Judging You”
Yes, I see you skulking in the corner with that disapproving look on your face. I don’t know what I did to offend you, and frankly, I don’t really care. Unfortunately for you, looks don’t actually kill, so all you’re doing is making yourself look more unattractive than you were to begin with. Sorry I’m not sorry..